'expensive job training' - Yale supplement-- why us?

In this response I'm limited to 500 words. No other requirements.
I've posted this for comments, so please help!

Why Yale?
Yale offers more than just expensive job training; it offers the freedom for exploration. I can pursue not only my passion for music, but also my other, academic interests. What really draws me to Yale though is the unique approach to music, focusing on its entirety- theory, history, composition, conducting, performance- rather than a narrow facet. With the case above, Gothic setting and shopping period, I can't think of a better place to learn.

I am afraid that it should be too short.
My personal advise is that you have to connect Yale to your self. you can tell us a story or some experiences which can be related to Yale.

If I were you, I will mention the atmosphere in Yale, half american with half British.
Or, some of my friends from Yale gave some special impression, and so on..

Hope you succuss!

Oh whoops sorry, I meant 500 characters.

Thanks a lot!

expensive job training might be too brash, i suggest you change that first sentence

^ I agree. It sounds a bit demeaning...and instead of:

"I can pursue not only my passion for music, but also my other, academic interests"

it could be: (sounds better)

"I can not only pursue my passion for music, but also my interest in academics"

Thanks for the help guys!

Here's an edited version. I tried changing the near cynical tone I had before.

The prospect of a renowned faculty, Gothic surroundings, and snow makes me giddy, but what really draws me to Yale is its insistence upon a place for exploration. This freedom is evident in Yale's broad distributional requirements, 'shopping period', and even its approach to music, focusing on the entirety of music- theory, history, composition, performance- rather than a narrow facet. Yale will allow me to become a musician without relinquishing my academic interests, my individuality.