'experiences with various cultures' - Penn State Personal

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

MY ESSAY

As a dedicated and hardworking person, I feel I have many qualities that will lead me to success as a Penn State undergraduate. My high school was a multicultural school, with students from more than 50 countries all around the world. I am accustomed to a culturally diverse environment. My experience will make me successful in Penn State because of its multicultural atmosphere. Annually in my school, we have the International Day, where families bring traditional foods from their countries, and dress in their native attires. I constantly look forward to this day because I am eager to learn about other cultures around the world. The world is becoming a global marketplace and there is no harm having a little knowledge about the different sections of this market. Being surrounded and influenced by these unique and fascinating cultures has provided me with a multi-faceted view, which I believe will allow me to thrive in Penn State's diverse community.

Furthermore, Penn State is a school that strongly emphasizes education and sports, and I believe with a base like this my success will even be greater. In my current high school, I hold the position of the captain of the soccer team, which has great responsibilities. I know that during my term as team captain, I have learned to be more tolerant when working with other people, and I have acquired very key leadership skills.

My relationship with my peers and my teammates has grown, due to the personal qualities I have discussed. I have learned to put people's opinions in perspective whenever I'm making decisions and try to not cross the lines of other people's beliefs. The traits I have mentioned I believe will play a big role in my success at Penn State.

I think there is a little bit of unfocus in your essay, You jump from topic to topic without an easy transition. I think I would pick either one of your experiences and develop an essay that reflects how that experience will help you at Penn State. Relate the characteristics at Penn State to your specific experience. I hope this helps!

Please look at my summer research outline. I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks!!

okay, so i was trying to talk about both qualities that's why i seemed to jump from topic to topic.. Can you look at this now and tell me what you think??

Hi :) As you requested, I will be happy to look over your paper.

I would add more detail to the introduction, you repeat yourself several times in that paragraph (you say the same thing but in different words about 3 times) Point out a few things that stand out in regards to your high school experience. Once you say it is a multicultural school, continue by expanding on this idea. What was it about your school experience that makes you desire having many different people around you? Your grammar needs a little work. You say the word "qualities" too much. It may sound better if you add in one more reason that you would be so happy to attend the school, say something about the school itself that makes you attracted to it. Good luck in school!

You mention that u are a captain of ur team? did u include that in other parts of ur application? if u did, I strongly advise u to remove it because they do not want to see the same things over and over again.

No I didn't mention that in other parts of my application.