Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

My extremely successful business - Imagine you just completed your BIOGRAPHY


ammarrauf 4 / 5  
Oct 23, 2007   #1
Greetings

i have started writing on the following topic

IMAGINE THAT YOU HAVE JUST COMPLETED YOUR 300 PAGE BIOGRAPHY.PLEASE SUBMIT PAGE 217

following is my starting.i unable to continue this essay as i am out of ideas.please help me and narate me an outline for the essay i would be very greatful.

following is my extract

Five days before my fifty second birthday I signed an MOU with the very same corporation that had supported me in my beginning endeavors when my company had been in its teething stages. Back then I needed their help desperately and they provided it in the form of a big loan which helped me to lay the foundation stone of what was now my extremely successful corporation. However, today it was these very people who required my help. I remember feeling tremendously relieved that day, I could finally in part repay these people for what they had done for me very long ago.

As I signed the MOU, I remember very clearly a rush of nostalgia had hit me and I had been transported back in time: a 42 year old man with a bleak future. While my friends were working for multi-nationals and earning six figure salaries I was still struggling to establish myself in the world of trade and commerce. My wife had often taunted me with this very fact but I had always remained steadfast. Fiercely independent I had never relished the idea of working under someone for the rest of my life. Also being the eldest child not only in the house but also in my extended family I had donned the mantle of responsibility at a comparatively young age. Being responsible for people had become second nature to me and I had always been conscientious in my task.

However, my extremely successful business had now somewhat lost it's thrill. I had achieved almost all that I had ever wanted to and now felt as if at a standstill. It was as if I had nowhere to go... nothing to achieve anymore.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Oct 23, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I think you're doing a great job! It's interesting and makes me want to know more about what's going to happen--which is pretty much the definition of a good story! My suggestion would be that you continue telling the story: what happened after you signed the MOU? (I'm afraid I have no idea what that is.) It would be neat if signing the MOU led to something wonderful and exciting which gave you back your thrill to achieve. And remember, this is only page 217, so you can stop right in the middle of the action and leave your reader hanging!

Here are some editing suggestions for what you have written so far:

when my company was in its teething stages.

I remember feeling tremendously relieved that day; I could finally partly repay these people

I remember very clearly a rush of nostalgia [delete had] hit me and I was transported back in time: - Using the past perfect tense (had hit) or past perfect progressive (had been transported) makes your writing awkward; try to cut back on using that tense so much, to make your writing more "in the moment."

Fiercely independent, I had never relished

Also, being the eldest child not only in the house but also in my extended family, I had donned the mantle

However, my extremely successful business had now somewhat lost its thrill.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


Home / Undergraduate / My extremely successful business - Imagine you just completed your BIOGRAPHY