Family and friends - ideas UBC personal profile

Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 1500 characters)

My family describes me as someone who is determined. Someone who will stop at nothing to achieve what he wants. If there was a task at hand, would devote himself completely towards finishing that task. Someone who would spend days locked in his room working on an assignment. My mother noted that despite being bad at something I would retain the same determination. Such as when I fell many times on my snowboard, and would still be eager to ride the same slope again.

My friends and community describe me as ambitious. My friends always would make remarks about how I talked bigger than I am and would be too fixated on my future. My close friends described my ambition as inspiring and made them dream bigger. We constantly joked about the days we would have mansions, and leave our small town. My manager saw me as someone who always found ways to get more hours. My teachers found me as someone who would always do the extra work for a higher mark.

I am most proud of being able to positively influence my closest friend. Having failed tenth grade, he was held back a year behind. Afterwards, he was on the brink of dropping out and had no life direction. During this time we spent a lot of time together. Despite having an aversion to school, he took notice of my affinity and ambition towards attending post-secondary. After taking notice he decided he wanted to resume his education, and we would end up studying together a lot. We fostered a great learning environment, constantly pushing each other to do better. This influenced him to decide that he wanted to pursue post-secondary and study kinesiology. It truly makes me happy to see that my ambition has a positive impact on those closest to me and that I am capable of being a healthy influence to others.

These are my thoughts for this prompt, it is slightly over character limit, so I will need some advice for refining my text and making it stronger. All help appreciated.

You are spending too much time talking about how you influenced your friend. That is the longest aspect of this presentation so that is where you should focus on cutting down the words involved in the narration. Try to shorten it to the point where the focus does not move from you because the current version moved way too much to the area of your friend, which really affected not only the word count, but also the focus of the reader. You do not want the reader's interest to be on anyone but you within the written presentation. The first 3 parts were good. There are no problems in those sections. These respond well to the prompt.