Feedback regarding grammer, and flow is greatly appreciated. I am having some trouble fitting all my past experience into a concise, 500 word essay. Thanks!
Essay question:
- Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
- How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.
- How you expect to satisfy the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations (please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).
Response:
Paul Sykes
Peace Corps Application Essay
Finding Purpose Through a Life of Service
Throughout my childhood, and into my adolescents, my family moved around; a lot. By the time I was a teenager, I 'd switched elementary school six times, attended three different middle schools, and lived in three different states. Each time I transferred schools, or crossed the country to call a new State my home, I was immersed into a new culture, and situations I could either reject, or embrace; I chose to embrace them. I was intrigued by unique differences in the way people live across our country. The fast-paced, vibe of Atlantic City, NJ and the relaxed, humble nature of Booneville, Mo., for example, were like two different worlds as a young boy. However, when observing culture and society, I noticed one contemplating, yet compelling trend, which I continue to study to this day - No matter how varied ideologies and social norms appear to be from one place to another, they are all part of Human culture, and therefore, must share some common values. Naturally, I became curious about the ideology and structure of cultures outside of my own experiences, and out of this curiosity sprouted an enthralling passion to learn more about the world in the context of culture and society.
My fascination for sharing and comparing culture helped me fit in with my fellow class mates. Being the "new kid" wasn't a bad thing, and I found that keeping an open mind to different ways of thinking allowed me to make friends in all sorts of places. Furthermore, I found satisfaction in reaching out to the next, "new kid"; introducing them to the friends I had made, and showing them that it could be fun to be in a new environment. It felt good to bring people together, it felt good to help, it felt good to do good. My mother introduced to the joy of public service at a young age whether it be volunteering at nursing homes as a boy scout, or raising money to build a new playground in town, the rewarding satisfaction of "giving back" was invaluable. My drive to give back to my community persisted through high school, and I am proud to say that I've successfully developed, and initiated projects in my community, which are still going strong.
My combined passion for culture and public service sparked my interest in Peace Corps in high school. I knew that earning a college degree would be necessary to serve in the Peace Corps, and my ultimate goal for college became to graduate with a good GPA in anthropological and sociological studies, with enough volunteer experience to be considered for Peace Corps service. My interest in Peace Corps relates to my past life experiences because I have been demonstrating core values of the program since I was young. The completed success of past goals in my life has prepared me to use my intellectual skills, as tools for serving our international community; a goal which I have worked towards for so many years. I have many goals for my future, but none of them will feel complete until I complete my Peace Corps service. My respect for humanity, dedication to public service, determination to succeed in challenging situations, and the pride and commitment I have for my own country, will allow me to excel in creating and meeting common goals for the people in the community which I am placed. I do not underestimate the difficulty of challenges which will present themselves along the way. People don't always see eye-to-eye, living conditions can be difficult, and plans sometimes (usually) change. However, out of challenge emerges opportunity, and opportunity can lead to cultural progress, and social success. Therefore, when faced with a challenge, I will embrace it.
Throughout my childhood, and into my adolescence , my family moved around a lot.
Capitalize the O:
Booneville, Mo.
Also, do not capitalize "state"
You can rework this sentence so that it does not repeat "complete"---> I have many goals for my future, but none of them will feel complete until I complete my Peace Corps service.
I don't know... this essay is pretty strong already. I don't think you have to "fit all your past experience" into the essay. Instead, revise this with the idea of focusing one one message that you want the reader to remember. What is the message? That is always a good way to approach your writing.
