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"my first time going to America; volunteer opportunities" - 2nd JHU supp


mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 27, 2010   #1
This is a very rough draft of my supplement.
Please tell me what you think, and I will definitely provide feedback on yours.

Do I sound boastful, arrogant and too ambitious?

2.A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

As it will be my first time going to America, I will definitely devote most of my holiday time to traveling. I will backpack to the typical tourist spots, take typical tourist photographs, and buy typical tourist postcards. I will then explore further. My friends familiar with the area will guide me to the hidden spots only those living there know about. I will relax in the rare sunny spot at the park, eat at the cafe with the best scrambled eggs, and sing at the cheapest karaoke booth. This is just the beginning.

Reading about the multitudes of activities and opportunities through the internet and on by following student's blogs has left me excited for life at Johns Hopkins. My hobby for cooking, passion for caring for others, and ambitious personality has left me dreaming of devoting time to the SHARE (supporting hospitals abroad with resources and equipment) club, AIDS Alliance, and Food for Love. I will volunteer at My Sister's Place (the women's center that Food for Love supports), and be a guide and host once I am familiar with the area. Aside from these service activities, I plan to master french, keep up my Japanese, and self teach Chinese with help from members of the SASH. I will save up for a Cello, play my flute when I need inspiration, and challenge my room mate to a game of chess.

Those who do not know me will think I am overly ambitious, but it's better to dream big and reach further, than set boundaries on what you can achieve.
diboy2 6 / 23  
Dec 27, 2010   #2
It doesn't sound boastful at all.

You sound repetitive at some spouts.

I will backpack to the typical tourist spots, take typical tourist photographs, and buy typical tourist postcards.
Take this out

This is just the beginning.
AngelofLogic 5 / 9  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
delete " I will then explore further."

LearningReading about the multitudes of activities and opportunities through the internet and student blogs has left mel...

hope that helps. you don't sound boastful.
smarty350 8 / 17  
Dec 28, 2010   #4
I have just a few suggestions for word choice in the 1st paragraph, just things I thought sounded a little awkward.
As it will be my first time going toin America, I will definitely devote most of my holidays to traveling. I will backpack to the typical tourist spots, take typical tourist photographs, and buy typical tourist postcards. I will then explore further. My friends familiar with the area will guide me to the hidden spots only those living therelocal people know about. I will relax in the rare sunny spot at the park, eat at the cafe with the best scrambled eggs, and sing at the cheapest karaoke booth. This is just the beginning.

Also, I think it might be better for you to reverse the order of your paragraphs, and cover what you'll do on campus before travelling.

Good luck!

Also, just out of curiosity, where are you from originally?
OP mariatateno 6 / 35  
Dec 28, 2010   #5
I'm Japanese, lived in Japan my whole life.
I'm still not happy with the essay and time is running out! :(
Thank you for your feedback!


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