I would be more than grateful if you read my Stanford essay and tell me your ( students and moderators ) feedback .. Thanks
What matters to u & y ?
I believe that future is the main issue that many people are concerned with. This is conclusively proven as a lot of students are looking forward to studying at scientifically prestigious and internationally well-known universities such as Stanford. Choosing the right university and deciding your major(s) according to your aptitudes, tendencies and job market requirements are the first steps towards success and to achieve that, you need to work hard as Thomas Edison said, "Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration".
I wish to be a successful person. I dream of being rich, owning a long black chauffeur-driven limousine and luxuriously grand house and having enough finances to be able to enjoy my life and to travel around the world. Amidst this pool of dreams, which I sank into, a question came up to my mind. Is my own future separated from the world's future ?.... The answer was absolutely not as I am part of the world. I live in this world. My concept of a better future has been changed ever since. Yes, I am looking forward to being successful, healthy and safe, but how ?!. When the world suffers from air, water and food pollution and some of us in this world are poor and ignorant and instead of cooperating to grapple with such problems and find a way around for a better life and future to all of us, countries tend to struggle for owning nuclear weapons, a goal that they are trying to achieve and I am worried about. Advanced countries possession of nuclear weapons is maybe a show of power, but to be in developed countries, that is very dangerous in case they are used in wars - it is like a baby playing with fire ... It will be the end of the world .
The peaceful uses of energy should be the point of assembly that these countries agree upon and encourage. What if they spent that large sum of money of nuclear weapons development and manufacturing on peaceful purposes, wouldn't that end hunger, poverty and ignorance in the world and prevent wars, conflicts and fights. At that time, there will be no longer need for using such weapons that destruct, not construct. If Alfred Nobel were alive today, he would die of deep sorrow of what human beings do as he wanted them beneficence and they wanted damage .
I don't think you have actually captured the whole question, it asks what matters to YOU and why?
so your first sentence should be about YOU being concerned of the future of the people and how it affects you- i think if you restructure your essay this way, it better answers the question..
here you've just said that people are worried about the future, try to make it more about you, in your second paragraph you grasped it a little better, you talked about being rich, blablabla but you can't do it because of blablabla problems..
if i were an admission committee reading your essay, I wouldn't know that much about you, just that you're worried about other people and you want to be rich...sorry if I'm harsh, just want you to make a better essay :)
oh and remove the triple dots and the ?!.
It makes your essay sound too informal.
if you've time please help me review my essay too, thx :)
Thanks for your comment ... It is not harsh; it is real. i will try to make it fit the topic more.
I agree with jesupai. you should write about something more personal that unfolds at least one side of your character.
I think you are a great writer, no doubt. However, I don't think your essay really nails the topic. I am sure that you are a very intelligent and devoted young man, however, your essay makes you seem somewhat conceited (again, I'm sure it's not the case). For example "I dream of being rich, owning a long black chauffeur-driven limousine and luxuriously grand house and having enough finances to be able to enjoy my life and to travel around the world." Everyone has those dreams, that's part of life, but mentioning them in an essay where you are asked to explain what MATTERS to you and why will not strike the right chord with the admission officers. When you pick a topic you have to show passion. You have to prove that it is something you love and that it means the world to you; that's why it matters. The part of your essay which focuses on global issues is perfect. It shows that you want to make a change and you are aware of issues around you. Again, I think you have great capabilities as a write, it's just that this essay doesn't rearlly work. Best of luck! let me know if you want me to check anything else. Also, if you don't mind can you please check my Yale supplement?
P.S. I'm sorry if I came across as mean or harsh. I'm just trying to help you out so you can hopefully get into Stanford.
I agree with guys above that maybe you shouldn't mention that you want to be rich...It's not what they want for all right? Maybe write something about how you're innovative or bold because I heard that Stanford like these.
Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
I really like your style, the way you make your point. But i think your response to the question is a bit blur. I am not sure what is matter to you after I read the whole essay. Is it the personal achievement, social progress ,or the usage of nuclear weapon? I am confused.
Thanks Waleed for your comprehensive comment. You confirmed my doubts. Yes, I will try to be more focused on what concerns me the most. Surely, I will be more than happy if you have time to read my edited one and the other essays but not on public so if u have an email ??
I will read yours but in few hours ... My greetings from Cairo
Hey, your writing is really good, very expressive, very artful and interesting, However, your organization of thoughts...um...heh
I think you could organize this much better around one topic that mattered to you, Maybe the future, and then branch forth from that, For example, give anecdote of how you came to realize the nearness of the future as you grew older, and how you saw others wasting their present away, not caring about future consequences, So you decided to live more wisely in the present, ...thus the future matters to you because it influences your present life
:) Hope this all helps :) And could you read my new Roommate essay that I will put up later on ----- Just want to say thanks for being honest with that, I also felt my essay was kinda typical and yours was the only criticism out of a lot of praise, Like I knew it was written well, but not super inspiringly...
To let you know,...I think you write inspiringly, your ideas are great! Just try to focus on one point, so we see the fullness of that cool thought process :)
Hahaha ... Thanks Sarah. You are absolutely right; the essay somehow focuses on a new topic every three sentences . I will pick one of which and elaborate on.
I like your ideas and yeah I will keep you out of this :D
Waiting for your opinion Moderator :D
I agree with everyone else. Also try to sound more formal with your sentences. Definitely get rid of the sentence about being rich. It makes you sound snobby.
i know my review is late but i like the essay however i agree with earlier posts i needed some review
post your final draft so that i and other people can give out opinion about it
Hi John ,
it is really nice to see a lot of egyptians here :D ... BTW, I applied to Tufts too :D ... it offers considerable financial aid for intrnl students, but it is too cold, brrr.
I hope all Egyptians, accepted and applying, to join one network so we can all share experience :D
Whut do u think ?
Yea of course... we already have one in Alexandria called competitive college club supervised by amideast if u heard about it. Massachusetts is awesome. Half of its population are college students. My brother is in mit he's having fun there. He told me it hasn't snowed once hnak aslan. Climate change is not kidding around :D. What other colleges u r applying to?
WOWW , I am the third one to join the competitive college club in the Amideast Cairo, but because the club is new in cairo, not all the students know about it .
Thanks for clarifying the climate part cuz I am following the weather there and i can't really imagine myself being in a weather of - 17 ...
If u won't mind, can we chat privately?
MIT is great ... he must be a super student :D
What really stands out to me is the Thomas Edison quote. It's a bit cliche. Maybe find another one?
hi,how are you?
you write with out any introduction,body,conclusion
and no one wants to read this type of writing.
I hope you would change your methods of writing.
I really understand your motive response, but maybe you mistakenly discerned that I mean Iran for its nuclear weapon manufacturing. I respect Iran; it is a big country. What I meant is peace for a world pure of nuclear weapons.
Good Luck to u too