GRANDMOMMY UPENN ESSAY - one day you would share the same dreams that I had

This is for the UPenn prompt, im not sure if this works. tell me your opinion please. I was going for originality. thank you!

ps: and i would read yours if you read mine =)

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania is most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community? (do not exceed one page)

CRASH.
"What happened?" I screamed, rushing into the room to see what had happened. Four year old Lola was standing next to an overturned book shelf and was about to grab a colorful pack of Skittles now lying on the floor next to a thick leather photo album titled "University of Pennsylvania: the center of Asian-American Love." "Grandchild, you found my college photo album!"

Lola, dumbfounded, looked at her grandmother gleaming at the black book and squeaked, "College? Is that stories?"
Opening the heavy book on a big sofa chair, I laughed. "Yes honey, college is full of great stories. Let me show you."

"Yay," Lola squealed and came over to her grandmother's lap.
I pointed to the first photo. It captured a Frisbee hitting a young woman in the head and a woman next to her like they were dominoes. I pointed at the photo and described to Lola, "This was in the Quad - the center of underclassmen social life and where you could find many flying Frisbees and footballs. I'm this girl wearing the University of Pennsylvania sweater, and this is my Alpha Kappa Delta Phi sorority sister Jenna. As you know, I have an interest for Asian-Americans and the sorority was one of Asian-American interest."

I glanced at Lola lining the skittles on the sofa couch. She wasn't listening. I continued to another photo. "This one had me standing in front of the Crest Room, a room used for film screening that day, next to a Taiwanese woman. The film was going to be a documentary about her narrating her life in San Francisco and how she struggled to maintain and define her Taiwanese culture and identity in midst of the city's multicultural society. I remembered I went to the screening since I was intrigued by a protagonist that sounded so much like myself, and my professor in my Asian-American and Popular Culture course highly suggested that I should attend."

I flipped to another photo. This time, I was at a table with a huge sign saying "PAACH and Asian Pacific Student Coalition." Addressing my inattentive grandchild I explained, "Lola, this was the NSO Organization Fair. I remembered that day was pretty hectic. The other students who were to help me at the table all had to drop out since they had other club duties or emergencies. Yet, I also had to prepare for the Asian Pacific Student Coalition Welcome Back and Meet & Greet the next day, and I had only signed up for half a shift. I solved the problem though by manning the shift while ordering food for the incoming freshmen with my phone and coming up with the agenda on the back of brochures."

Next photo. In this one, I was smiling next to a big banner reading "Taiwanese Culture Fair." I exclaimed, "Oh Lola, you don't know how satisfied and happy I was the day of that first Taiwanese Culture Fair in University of Pennsylvania! I dreamt for years about organizing such a fair since I started applying to University of Pennsylvania and I finally succeeded pulling it off in senior year! All those school forms I had to fill out in order to clear the space; all those phone calls I make to request Taiwanese musicians, politicians, writers, artists, and students to come and speak; all those sign-up sheets I made to get student volunteers; all those letters written and money paid to get free or cheap propaganda advertising; and all those fundraisers held to get the money; all for the fair - finally paid off!"

In my excitement, I took a side glance at Lola. She was not sharing my excitement. She had dozed off with a smile on her face and her Skittles scattered on the floor. I smiled at my dreaming granddaughter, "Grandchild, one day you would share the same dreams that I had for University of Pennsylvania and watch those dreams come true."

WOW this is really good? I love how you were able to portray your interests through a small story. However, I think this one fit better with the other prompt about the autobiography.

hi thank you ! your opinion was very helpful! did you need help on your uc essays? i thought they were due a month ago?

my uc essays are done... but would u be willing to review my upenn essay

I like this! I think it does a great job of showing what you will bring to the UPenn community. There are a couple things I might say differently but I don't want to mess with your voice so I wont even bother. Well done.

thank you pablo and olivia! i will be sure to look at both of yours (=

to pablo- can you give me the link? i only see that you have two uc essays

also does anyone see any grammar problems?

"What happened?" I screamed, rushing into the room to see what had happened . occured

besides that... i love it :)

thank aline! (=

thank you for your help too! Good luck!!!

Just to clarify.. you are the grandmother in the story right? Definitely a very creative way to approach this prompt, but it took me a while to figure out who the "I" was. It was not very clear to me that you were the grandmother, but that just might be me.

For example:

Lola, dumbfounded, looked at her grandmother gleaming at the black book and squeaked, "College? Is that stories?" <- "looked at her grandmother" makes it seem like you are speaking in third person. Instead, say "looked at me" or something along those lines. It makes it easier to comprehend.

If you get a chance, could you look at my common app essay? Good luck!

I have an interest for Asian-Americans and the sorority was one of Asian-American interest.

hmm, this sounds a bit weird with the two "interest"s

apart from it, I like the originality!

mind looking at my cornell supplement essay?

TC3, the title is UPenn Essay on communities... just search it and u should find it thx!

hi, can anyone grammar check my essay? i think im switching between first and third person and between past and present...

i will be sure to chk ur essay too if you do mine and THANK YOU everyone that helped me already (=

hi thank you arvind! i cant seem to find your nyu supplement. can you link it to me?

your way of incorporating short sttory into your essay, is amazing!
this is a really good essay.
would you mind editing mine?

Hi there!

"Grandchild, you found my college photo album!" I exclaimed.
This makes it clearer that you are the grandma.

Lola, dumbfounded, looked at me gleaming at the black book and squeaked, "College? Is that stories?"
Opening the heavy book on a big sofa chair, I laughed. "Yes honey, college is full of great stories. Let me show you."

"Yay," Lola squealed and came over to her grandmother'smy lap.
you want first person right?

It captureds a Frisbee hitting a young woman in the head and a woman next to her like they were dominoes who is about to hit the woman beside her in a domino effect.

the center of underclassmen social life, where you could find many flying Frisbees and footballs.

"This one hadis me standing, next to a Taiwanese woman in front of the Crest Room, a room used for film screening that day, next to a Taiwanese woman . The film was going to be a documentary about her narrating her life in San Francisco and how she struggled to maintain and define her Taiwanese culture and identity in the midst of the city's multicultural society. I remembered I went to the screening since I was intrigued by a protagonist thatwho sounded so much like myself, andM y professor in my Asian-American and Popular Culture course also highly suggested that I should attend."

The other students who had signed up to help me at the table all had to drop out since they had other club duties or emergencies.

can you check mine?

thank you for the edits yuanchi! i will be sure to look at yours!

any further grammar checking anyone? or any more suggestions?

Great Job! Love the way you put yourself in the community and are showing them how you plan on contributing. This was a great idea

thank you everyone! any more grammar issues? crit back

wow i love your essay. :) its very creative to put it in that perspective. good job and i hope you'll get in. all the best with your apps and hope to see you in penn next year!

wow, so original and creative. i loved the way you weaved your the concept of heritage into it, i hope you succeed~

thanks everyone! (=
can anyone help me grammar check my stanford essays? im terrible at grammar =(

I only have a few suggestions:

* use an ! for "Yay", it looks better

*It captured a Frisbee hitting a young woman in the head and a woman next to her like they were dominoes.
This kind of sounds weird...I understand what you mean but maybe your could clarify it a bit more, or combine it with the previous sentence

*I glanced at Lola, who was lining the skittles on the sofa couch.

*I flipped on to anotherthe next photo.

*I managed to solved the problem, though, by manning the shift while ordering food for the incoming freshmen with my phone and coming up with the agenda on the back of brochures."

*Next photo. In this one, I wasam smiling next to a big banner reading "Taiwanese Culture Fair."

*All those school forms I had to fill out in order to clear the space; all those phone calls I make to request Taiwanese musicians, politicians, writers, artists, and students to come and speak; all those sign-up sheets I made to get student volunteers; all those letters written and money paid to get free or cheap propaganda advertising; and all those fundraisers held to get the money; all for the fair - it had finally paid off!"

*I smiled at my dreaming granddaughter,(maybe a period here, or: and said/whispered,) "Grandchild, one day you would share the same dreams that I had for University of Pennsylvania and watch those dreams come true."

Do you mind looking at my essay (the UPenn, Cornell, or Johns Hopkins). I'm really desperate for feedback. (especially for the last one, johns hopkins)

Thank you!
Good luck!