My grandpa emigrated from Colombia to the USA; Influential Person

This is supposed to be about someone that has influenced you and why/how they did for the Common Application. I recently discovered its usually not good to write about a family member because it lacks originality, so I was also wondering if my essay is original enough in addition to any comments/criticisms you guys have for me. Its supposed to be 500 words maximum.

Thanks

One person who has really influenced me throughout my life is my grandfather. Not because of his kindness or wisdom, but because of his perseverance and his will to succeed.

He emigrated from Colombia to the United States in 1969. Two days after he stepped foot on U.S. soil, he started working. Even though he only knew a few words of English, he did his job well and worked hard. A year later my grandma, mom, and uncle came to live in the U.S. with him. Soon my grandfather found himself working two jobs to support his family. But, instead of being stuck with two dead end jobs to make ends meet, he decided to go to school to better the situation. He kept working, but enrolled in night school to become a computer programmer. At first, he struggled. The teacher already did not take him seriously as a computer programmer because he was Latino, so he did not waste his time trying to help him. But, he didn't give up. Despite the pressure from his friends and family to move on to another field of work, my grandfather forced himself to learn programming by rereading the textbook until he mastered the material. He continued on with the class and graduated as one of the top two students. The struggle did not end there though. Once he became a certified programmer he had a hard time getting a job. Not because of his programming skills, but because he was Hispanic. In order to even be considered for a position, he had to list his name as "Mike" instead of his real name, "Miguel." Still he didn't give up. A company finally decided to take a chance on him and was rewarded. He rose through the ranks to become a top boss and ended up staying with the company until retirement.

After everything he went through to become successful, it is safe to say he is someone that knows the value of hard work and determination. That is why when he tells me to hit the books or do something else to better myself, I take his advice to heart. It also makes me realize that I have no excuses for failure. If my grandfather was able to succeed under the circumstances that he faced (moving to a new country, having to learn an entirely new language, supporting his family while going to school etc...), why shouldn't I be able to as well? His story and his teachings drive me to be the best that I can be in life. Whether it is in school, for a sport, or something else that I am interested in, I pride myself in working as hard as I can. And when times get tough, I know that if I stick with something and put in the effort, there will be a payoff. For that, I have my grandfather to thank.

Usually, essays of this kind make the mistake of focusing on the influential person and forgetting to write about how they affected you. In this case, you alluded to your grandfather's affect on you, but I would say, however, that you should amend the 2nd paragraph of your essay to include more tangible examples of his influence. The paragraph seemed pretty vague and there were generalities and cliches that will not help you with college admissions committees.

Another main concern with your essay (and I'm assuming this is the Common App personal statement essay) is that you wrote VERY little. This is supposed to be a well-written, thoughtful essay of about (unofficially) 500 words. You have to seriously expand on this piece, and I think the best way to do that would be to elaborate on your grandfather's affect on YOU.

I hope this helps.

Ok I will revise it.

Thank You very much sir!