Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
As my old wooden door slowly opens on a Sunday evening, it is not the Pizza Hut delivery man with my stuffed crust pizza (with melted cheese baked into the crust) for tonights football game, but rather the dreaded family reunion that occurs once a year. Numerous family members and relatives come pouring through that old wooden door, frantically ready to brag about their sons or daughters latest accolade or their acceptance to the top prestigious universities.
As family members enter that door, they are ready to pinch your soft delicate baby bottom cheeks, only releasing when there is some noticeable permanent damage. From the newly released fourth-generation iPod Nano to the Rolex Cellini Classic watch, relatives seemed to be equipped with the latest technology. About an hour in the reunion, Parents begin to brag about their sons or daughters latest achievements and relatives begin to criticize every single detail, as if you were a disfigured cow in a meat processing plant. "How come you are so small?" and "How well do you do in school?," are the typical questions that a child receives. As I was eating Banh Xeo: a crispy flaky dish that is the Vietnamese version of crepe, my abnormally tall and goofy like uncle approached me and asked a simple question, "So...what do you want to do when you grow up?"
Being a California born native, I wouldn't qualify as your typical beach blonde surfer who has an amazing set of washboard abs. I am a determined Vietnamese teenager who like most young Asian hopefuls, have parents that nag and constantly remind them of the importance of success and fortune. American society today instills a certain image, molding people to be someone they are not. Modern society, along with the media, paint a picture of an ideal life that consists of luxury and fortune. There are numerous careers that offer this luxury and fortune such as being a pharmacist or a lawyer. Yet those type of occupations interests my parents but do not interest me.
Throughout my years of experience and teachings, I have come to the realization that certain people have an innate passion and ambition to strive for a certain goal, despite the fact that it may not follow under societal norms. This very courage and determination that is displayed within these individuals is what I admire and seek. My family members competitiveness and definition of success has in a way molded my dreams and aspirations in life. Through my families eyes, the idea of success is determined by the amount of money and material things you gain. I for one believe true success is defined by the amount of knowledge, passion, and experience one gains to contribute to their growth for internal satisfication.
So, as my uncle approaches me and asks "what do you want to do when you grow up?" I realize that the amount of luxury and fortune a person experiences lasts only as long as the individual, yet internal satisifiscation lasts more than a lifetime.
Good afternoon :)
I have edited the first couple of paragraphs and also included some general comments in regards to your piece:
"As my old wooden door slowly opens on a Sunday evening, it is not the Pizza Hut delivery man with my stuffed crust pizza (with melted cheese baked into the crust) for tonight's football game, but rather the dreaded family reunion that occurs once a year. Numerous family members and relatives come pouring through that old wooden door, frantically ready to brag about their sons or daughters latest accolade or their acceptance to the top prestigious universities.
As family members enter that door, they are ready to pinch yourAvoid using "your" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead. soft, delicate, baby bottom cheeks, only releasing when there is some noticeable permanent damage. From the newly released fourth-generation iPod Nano to the Rolex Cellini Classic watch, relatives seemed to be equipped with the latest technology. About an hour in the reunion, ParentsThis isn't a proper noun and shouldn't be capitalized. begin to brag about their son' s or daughter' s latest achievement and relatives begin to criticize every single detail, as if you were a disfigured cow in a meat processing plant. "How come you are so small?" and "How well do you do in school?" are the typical questions that a child receives. As I wasThis changes your tense; make sure you only use one tense throughout your piece. eating Banh Xeo, a crispy flaky dish that is the Vietnamese version of a crepe, my abnormally tall and goofy uncle approaches me, asking a simple question, "So...what do you want to do when you grow up?"
Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "wouldn't" should be "would not."
...am a determined Vietnamese teenager, who like most young Asian hopefuls,..."
A great example!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Alright I have fixed it. I have a question, is my essay good as it is or should I tweak it a bit. Thank you
You should cut back on your story. More reflection. Do not be clique.
Theres 2 paragraphs about my reflection. I think its a little cliche, can you point out the cliche parts?
Hey gloria my friends says that
it doesnt really answer the prompt do u think so
also that it gives a pessimistic tone, that i hate my parents
No, describing the world you come from is exactly what you have done here. I think you did answer the prompt. Also, it is not pessimistic in tone, but thoughtful. :)
