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'hard work can pay off and be so rewarding' semester at sea entrance essay

hjkulik12 1 / 2  
Oct 9, 2012   #1
This is all I have so far and I got completely stuck the prompt is "What are your academic goals, and how will Semester at Sea help you to you achieve them? Include at least two examples." This is my intro paragraph. Any ideas would help me to continue the essay it has to be 350-500 words.

I have always admired business men and women. My Dad owned his own company and I grew up spending a lot of time in his office at home. He showed me how hard work can pay off and be so rewarding. My Dad had a great amount of respect for every one of all ethnicities. He always told me there was never a reason to treat someone with disrespect. Because of my Dad I have set out on my college journey with my sights set on not only being a great business man, but a great person.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Oct 11, 2012   #2
Hi :) You are off to a good start, but you do have some minor grammar issues. So, besides describing your experience with your dad, you should mention a few other things. Describe the education you have had so far, and relate that to what you hope to achieve academically. Say what qualities you have that will make you a good candidate for this. Explain in some detail what your plan is for the future. Explain your short term and long term goals. Name what steps you intend to take to reach your goals. Say what your educational experience at sea will do to help you along the way to success. Good luck :)
OP hjkulik12 1 / 2  
Oct 12, 2012   #3
Thank you for the feed back I actually trashed that essay and started a new one I will be posting shortly. I know about the grammar that's the area I struggle in the most. Thank you and I hope you read my new one. I attached the new one to this post.
caseySchooling 5 / 22  
Oct 12, 2012   #4
I know you are no longer using this essay, but if you are having trouble starting another, I always found that starting off with a mystery is very interesting.

What I mean is, you describe vaguely a subject in an interesting way, then become more descriptive, then reveal what the subject actually is.
I love reading those essays.

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