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High quality education/ universal life experience; BROWN UNIVERSITY/ Why?

whitezebra 7 / 20 3  
Dec 31, 2012   #1
Hi! I just want to get some last minute thoughts on part of my Brown University essay. The character limit is 2000, unfortunately, and it was very difficult for me to condense. Any criticism will be greatly appreciated! Thank you very much!

Why are you going to college?

One of my strongest desires in going to college is to receive a high quality of education. Education is an undeniably important aspect of life; it provides the tools for people to think critically and understand the world around them. Not only that, learning is enjoyable - at least it is for me. One of the main reasons I am going to college is to be able to quell my insatiable hunger for learning; something that I was not able to achieve in high school. A high school education can only provide a person with so much; it is the post-secondary world that truly helps develop an individual's intellectual ability. In addition, I believe that college is the optimum route in achieving a stable career. More and more employers require an undergraduate degree - if not higher - which makes it almost obligatory to attend college now. Therefore, with a college education, there is more flexibility in choosing a career path, as well as an increased amount of opportunities.

Although the academic aspect of attending university is very important, it is not the sole reason I would like to go. Going to college is a universal life experience; it is the transition between adolescence to adulthood. Going away for college will be my first prospect at what life in the working world is truly like; filled with both freedom and responsibilities alike. Although there will be nobody to tell me to clean my room or wash the dishes, I will be solely responsible for my actions. College will also help me get to know countless new people. I will be meeting people from many ethnicities and cultures, allowing me to learn about them and, in turn, tell them about myself. Going to college is more than just getting a letter on a piece of paper, it is a stage that is designed to prepare one for the working world, as well as provide a set of life experiences needed for success. I am excited at the prospect of finally beginning to explore the world for myself, and my first stop on that journey is college.
mr_scottyt 1 / 9 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #2
specifically the use of "countless new people" jumped out at me as awkward. there are a lot of options to use in replacement of countless and i think you should go with one of those (thats personal opinion not a grammar rule or anyhting)

the sentence beginning with "although..." that goes into dishes was set up with "although" which indicates a contradiciton, but none was made...use a different transition there and you will be gravy

if you are looking for a more major edit, you brought up how your "insatiable hunger" to learn was the main reason, but then said you didnt satisfy that hunger in high school and move on. i suggest you talk more about that hunger specifically, or dont call it the main reason

overall it is a very well written essay! you should feel great about what you have done, these are very nit-picky corrections
best of luck to you!
OP whitezebra 7 / 20 3  
Dec 31, 2012   #3
thank you!! your review was very helpful (:
holmes01234 4 / 12 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #4
to be honest, I feel like the admissions office is going to receive thousands of essays that look just like this. 1) I want to go to college to receive higher education. 2) I will grow up away from home. It seems a bit cliched. You can't change the whole thing now, why not try to implement an experience of your own to the essay to make it just a bit more unique??? You should read my common app essay too.

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