I am kinda afraid because my two essays are both about materialistic things in part. Also, i am worried if it looks conflicting if i describe the rich and the poor as living in a heaven and a hell while i say that judging people on materialistic term is wrong in the second essay.
One more concern: do i need to elaborate more about my community in my first essay?
Need help here.. Thank you in advance:)
Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)
Describe the world you come from -for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My hometown Ilsan is a city of extreme gap between the poor and the rich. Living here for 17 years, I saw both heaven and hell in terms of materialism in one place-some people spent millions for luxuries, while the others were kicked out from their houses to streets. Living in limbo, I could watch this horrifying gap between the rich and the poor in an objective prospective and I could tell that getting out of poverty didn't seem easy.
As a high school student, all I could was doing volunteer jobs at institutions for children with disabilities or visiting single senior citizens with church people. One day, I saw a piece of local newspaper attached on the church wall. It was an article that interviewed a senior woman who we once visited-Mrs. Kang was living with her 13-year-old granddaughter in a single room without electricity. On the article, she was saying "we live because we can't die."
I dreamed of becoming a reporter because reporters seemed to represent and call for the change in the social system for the poor. And this dream led me to a position as an editor on my school newspaper in high school. I believed that urging people to take an action was the most effective way to blur the economic gap in my community and, in broader perspective, in my country.
Although I was seeing more and more journalists criticizing about the folly of current system, I was also encountering more homeless people on the street and louder moans from people facing adversity on a daily basis. Although many people were pointing to the problems, no improvements were made. Actually, there was nothing done for whole 17 years. I realized that I was wrong. What these people needed was hope and someone who could bring a change-- it is the politicians who actually bring such changes. Realizing this fact, I started thinking an idea of becoming a politician someday, especially working for my hometown which grew my mind up.
Living in a city where light and darkness existed together enabled me to recognize the need for leaders who will instill hope among the people and to dream of becoming a power of the poor. Although I don't have deep knowledge about politics yet, I believe that I will achieve this significant dream after studying political science in the university because my community instilled a very strong desire to bring about change in my community and country in my heart.
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Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I graduated from a middle school in which the students were very rich; the biggest problems in their lives were things like trying to lose five pounds to fit in a new dress. I, who did not have five different designer bags like most of my friends, complained about my middle class background whenever they whined about their "boring futures" of running a family business that was going to be handed to them.
After middle school, I entered high school which was in a much less affluent area. Once I realized that students in that school were not very well-off, I felt superior to everyone in my new class, for that I had an arrogance unconsciously developed from my inferiority complex among my middle school friends. However, during the lunch time, I found a girl who caught my eye. With an affable smile, she came to me and said, "Do you mind if I sit here?" Then, we talked about how crazy the first day of school was, and how mean our math teacher looked. As I talked to her, I found that we saw a lot of things the same way.
One day, she asked me if I could help her with English; I was quite surprised to hear that because in Korea, most parents pay for their children to have an English tutor. When I directly asked her why she didn't take a professional tutoring, she began to tell me how she lost her father to lung cancer, and how her mother had to work in a small restaurant all day long to support the family. I was speechless. Her world seemed miles away from my world, and even farther away from those of my middle school friends.
I decided to help her; we met three times a week, for a year. She memorized all the words that I gave her and studied English ceaselessly. After our last exam of 10th grade, she proved that she accomplished her goal-- her score increased by about thirty percent. Eating dinner together to celebrate our achievement, I asked her a question that I had been wondering: "haven't you ever wanted to give up on everything, blaming all the difficulties you have faced?"
She looked me straight in the eye and answered me with something that I could never forget. "Well, sometimes. But I am okay with it, because I know this circumstance stimulates me. It makes me work harder and harder to prove that I am not weak. You know, it's something rich kids don't have, but I do."
Ashamed, I could not look her in the eye. I kept asking myself why I had ever judged people on their materialistic possessions. Why couldn't I see the truth of life beneath the surface? All of sudden, I felt my sense of inferiority and superiority faded as I realized that rich kids, living in their protective bubbles, would never come to this realization. They would never see what really matters.
This experience itself was definitely striking, but I was more surprised to see how I was changed through it. Honestly, I often saw myself as mainly focused on my appearance and academic scores, and even haughty in some ways at that time. However, after I frankly acknowledged and felt shamed about my immature way of thinking, I could fix it soon. I was proud of myself to see that I became mature enough to build my inner beauty, graduating from the level to only care about how my appearance was looked. And this is me, who knows to acknowledge and learn from the past and cares for the inner beauty. Although I am not perfect, I have a confidence with me because, as long as I carry this mind with me, I will become better and better through further experiences my life ahead of me.
While I taught her 10th grade English, Eunji taught me one of the most important truths about life that I will carry with me forever.
My hometown Ilsan is a city of extreme gap between the poor and the rich. Living here for 17 years, I saw both heaven and hell in terms of materialism in one place-some people spent millions for luxuries, while the others were kicked out from their houses to streets. Living in limbo, I could watch this horrifying gap between the rich and the poor in an objective prospective and I could tell that getting out of poverty didn't seem easy.
First, I would not compare poverty and luxury to heaven and hell. The implications are a little too strong with that one. Also instead of saying I could watch, just say "I watched" or "I observed." Also, the last part of the last sentence is worded very awkwardly. Try something like "...from an objective standpoint and could tell that..."
First I respond to your questions:
I think it's not a problem about the poor and rich conflict you put in there, issues rise from conflicts and that's why you have your opinion about it. In fact, I think you handled it pretty well, and enough explainations tell reader how your dream was shaped in the first prompt.
More community elaberation might not be necessary, in my opinion. Actually when I read the first response, I try to read the part "how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations," I think that should be the core in the prompt, and good work you've done there.
your personal judgement on materialism: I think readers in UC handle thousands responses every year, and since your judgement is not ridiculous and nonsense, I think at least it won't hurt you su much, but this is only my personal opinion.
I'm not a native speaker, so I hardly provide any useful sentence revision. I focus more on your content. The important thing I want to mention is in your second prompt:
when I read it, I first try to find the thing you are talking about in the first paragraph, and I can't find it. In fact, I see no word from "a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience", and I'm trying tofigure out which one you chose.
Then when I read to the part you help the girl...I thought "oh, it might be an accomplishment or contributuin he(she) is talking about"
untile the ending part when I saw the "experience" appear I realize it's an experience you are talking about.
But relax, it's not even a problem here. I'm just saying maybe you want to point out in the first paragraph that it's an experience that has a huge impact on you which is your response about. Or you can mention the word "experience" more in your response. And that's it...
Also I see your emphasis is on your second prompt. So, maybe you can explain more about the influence and eliminate some details of your story. That's only my opinion.
Anyway, good luck with your eassy
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here's my part, help if you can
