"horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2

Prompt #2:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

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Here is a revision for the essay, let me know what you think, about the tone, overall theme and grammar of the essay. THanks in advance.

The most important experience that is inevitably vivid in my memory and has affected me profoundly happened a year ago. My friends and I decided to play soccer in the park and have a fun time. At first everything progressed exceptionally well, until one of my friends decided to climb a nearby tree; none of us was afraid, for we knew he was experienced. During our cheerful conversation, I suddenly heard the tree branches shaking. As I looked up, I caught the sight of my friend lose his balance and fall from the highest tree branch to the bottom. The cheerful conversation instantly transformed into a tragic nightmare when we heard the sound of the impact; fear and disbelief descended upon us, but my deep concern was losing an important part of me. Having met my friend when he first arrived to the U.S., I introduced him to the campus life and acquainted him with other students so he would not feel alone and would assimilate. Gradually, we became good friends, since we noticed that our intellects, personalities and perspectives about life intersected. We became like brothers, always having each other to converse about serious personal issues and counseled each other. We spent most of our time together, whether it was in school, gym or home; we never became bored of each other and were always more interesting and original. Thus, seeing him on the grass unconscious, I understood that not having my friend next to me is not living a fulfilling life. After this introspection, I grasped the gravity of the situation and responded relatively early by ascertained his breeding, checking his heart rate and contacting emergency services and my friend's father. The EMTs asked someone to go with them, but because his father was not in a state to answer questions, they asked me to go, discerning I was somewhat in control of my emotions. I looked in his father's eyes and said with resilience, "I promise, everything is going to be fine!" In the hospital, I prayed until his parents arrived. My prayers were not in vain; the cat scans revealed no internal bleeding in his brain. I was always by his side in the intensive care, speaking to him, hoping he can hear me and has not lost his memory. And when he open his eyes and recognized me; a sigh of relief and a sudden chill went through me. During his recovery at home, he was very upset and angry for not being able to walk. After school, I periodically went to his house to practice with him and give him hope and confidence. I encouraged him when he was disappointed and wanted to give up trying, but through patience and persistent effort, we overcame that obstacle; he walked normally again. I researched plenty to discover which bright colors and fast moving objects irritate his mind and thereby interfere with his recovery. It was very tiresome for him to remain at home and be isolated from the outside world, but I tried to cheer him up and assert patience in him to fully recover. Consequently, via tenacious effort my friend recovered from that horrible accident. This occurrence taught us that miracles are possible and that one must cherish people that are close to him, for one understands the value of what he has, when he is in danger of losing it. In particular, this event established the confidence in me that I am emotionally equipped to become a doctor and that my long term goal is not a simple childish dream, but a viable option.

Please Analyze the essay;feedback and critique, appreciate it!

First, I'm sure you don't mean to do this, but you come off as exceedingly arrogant in your recitation of this event. Everybody else froze but you and only you knew what to do. The father was a mess but you and only you were in control of your emotions. The EMTs wanted you and only you to ride along.

Even if all of that is true, you need to tell the story much more humbly.

And please don't brag about the terrible decision to have multiple people call 911. All you did was tie up the 911 lines, not only increasing the chance of a delay in getting help for your friend but also forcing 911 operators who could have been answering other emergency calls to redundantly respond to the call about your friend. Have you no empathy for whoever might have gotten less speedy help because of that decision? Or was your friend, and only your friend, the important one?

You see how these two types of self-centeredness tie together? Seriously, that's not how you want to portray yourself to UC. Rewrite the story with more feeling and less self-aggrandizement. Don't mention the multiple 911 calls unless it's to say that you now understand that to have been an understandable mistake.

Thank You Very much EF_Simone, I just wrote it without proofreading.

How does the following revision contribute to a rather humbler tone?

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Here is a revision, how is the tone? I deleted some clauses and adjectives which weren't really necessary.

You should proofread carefully to avoid these sorts of mistakes.

More generally, you sort of have a good topic for the essay. The main problem, though, is that it is a story that really should focus more on your friend than on you, which is why you come off sounding arrogant, because you write it the other way around. This is perhaps understandable, given that the essay has to show something good about you, specifically, but it is a bit jarring for the reader. You could get around this by adding more details about your friend, his reaction to the incident, your emotional response to the situation, etc. You can still mention the things you did to support him, but as additional details woven in to a substantially different narrative. At the moment, you list many good things you did for your friend as if you expect and deserve praise for them, but, hopefully, that isn't why you actually did them. You also don't really talk about what you learned from the experience. You tack on a couple of sentences near the end that sort of deal with this, but it doesn't emerge naturally from the narrative.

Dear EF_Sean,

I completely understand what you mean. But I am a little lost, because if you think about it, this is supposed to be a personal statement; that's how I tried to write it. I know what you mean by adding more info about my friend, but HOW would that relate to the person I am?

Or can you suggest after which event I can add info about him to make it sound less arrogant?

I will delete the following that makes it arrogant such as

I looked in his father's eyes and said with resilience, "I promise, everything is going to be fine!"

Despite this is truly happened, it conveys a tone of arrogance.

However, I grasped the gravity of the situation and responded relatively early by ascertaining his breeding, checking his heart rate and contacting emergency service.

I feel that you can fix your arrogant tone by telling us what your friend meant to you. Tell us what you thought you would lose if your friend was not going to be okay.

Right now I get the feeling that your friend is an object of your compassion, not a peer. You spend the whole time talking about everything that you did for him. Who is he to deserve your warmth? Treat him like an equal.

You're obviously not going to add info about your friend that is just random.
Saving your friend was like preserving a piece of yourself wasn't it? By developing your friend the reader will know that it is not a rat or a hamster that you are saving.

That's a good thought, I will work on that. Any more Comments?

This part's fine, on its own.


Yep. That hit the proverbial nail. Also, bear in mind that the experience you are describing must have been far rougher for him than it was for you. The way you tell the story should acknowledge that. Which brings us to


By showing that you can imagine your friend's suffering, and that you acted out of that empathy, you show the reader how compassionate a person you really are. By being able to craft the narrative in a way that acknowledges that you were a helping character, rather than the protagonist in the tale, yet still being able to reveal much about yourself, you show both your skill as a writer and your ability to delicately handle complicated social situations. It is sort of a balancing act -- if you focus on your friend too much, the essay stops being about you, and becomes about him; if you focus on him too little, then you seem to be seeking credit for something that should not have been done to win you credit. Your job is to find a middle path, and the comments you have so far include suggestions as to how you might do this.

Thank You Very much everyone, I will try to revise and balance it.

I hope I changed overall tone of the narrative and included information about my friend which conveys my impartial commitment.

I think that this revision is excellent. However I would like you to include a few sentences that relate to the prompt more.

How is this as a wrap up that answers the question of pride and personality?

It was very tiresome for him to remain isolated at home, but I tried to cheer him up and assert patience in him to fully recover. Consequently, I am proud that via my tenacious effort and compassion, my friend recovered from that horrible accident. I understood that miracles are possible and that one must cherish people who are close to him, for one understands the value of what he has, when he is in danger of losing them. In particular, this event established confidence in me that my altruistic personality is in accord with my sincere desire to become a doctor and heal people.

I tried to provide the reader with a narrative that infers my personality and my ability to delicately handle difficult social situations.

Thank You very much Boxin for giving me your critique. I hope to hear equally affirmative response from the moderator as well.

The tone is *much* better!

You need to watch your verb tense. You are jumping around from present tense to past tense--sometimes in the same sentence. There are a few awkward parts, but overall it flows well.


You ascertained his breathing not his breeding. Bloodlines and parentage had nothing to do with emergency care.