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Hosting a charity event-Common App short



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Oct 19, 2010   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).

It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance. As I planned for my Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is that participants are of paramount importance to the entire event. I have always thought that people were all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate. However, I was utterly disappointed after I handed out my invitation. Some excuses, which are actually from adults, were outright lies. Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté. Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbourhoods. At certain times I just completely refused to give in. My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember clearly that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's door, the paper was shoved back out. Forgetting proper demeanour, I forced the paper back in. Although my neighbour may see that paper as nothing but trouble, I see it as an embodiment of my passion, desire and hope. To deny that paper, was as the same as to demolish my dream. Thus, my continuing endeavour to success was eventually achieved.

Total word coun 207 so i will have to cut down for sure.

Thank you your help.

essaysdonequick /  
Oct 20, 2010   #2
Hello,

I have graded this essay based on a matrix that we use at Essays Quickly. Your essay received a grade of 74/100. This is a good start. You have managed to kill two birds with one stone by intertwining a past experience, where you took a leadership roll, with volunteer work. However, it appears that you have a slight problem with word choice as words such as "naiveté," "succumbing to my defeat," and "persisistency" have no place in this short essay. Honestly, as a former admissions officer at a top 10 American University, this essay does not help you at all. It is not powerful and it does not show mastery of the English language. It also fails to show how this experience really impacted and changed you for the better. While this essay does show that you are persistent, phrases such as "forced the paper back in" display arrogance and stubbornness. We can help you make this essay glow. We can also help you portray your softer gentler side in a way that also benefits you as a person.


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