Please let me how's my essay for princeton university.
PROMPT:If you are interested in pursuing a B.S.E. (Bachelor of Science in Engineering) degree, please write a 300-500 word essay describing why you are interested in studying engineering, any experiences in or exposure to engineering you have had, and how you think the programs in engineering offered at Princeton suit your particular interests.
Here's my essay:-----
"Ideas come alive when you believe in them". I was sitting on my desk studying for next day's computer science practical exam, and suddenly one of my friends told me about the arrival of BITS-PILANI students to the school. They brought with them a robot named 'AcYut'. I left everything and ran as fast as I could to the seminar hall. Till the time I reached, my breath had gone out and my heart was pumping at 100 gallons an hour. But, thank god I was the first to expose myself to my first engineering experience. That first exposure to 'real' engineering left me like 'wow'. Since, then my passion for engineering grew tremendously.
From that time, my interest for engineering grew tremendously. I asked my computer science and electronic department teacher to teach me making of a robot, and he smiled to me and said 'not now, you got to get some skills.' From then, I started to participate in computer science and electronic classes. Creating programs and implementing them in real life became my passion. Moreover, I joined the electronics club. It was lots of fun soldering wires in the circuits and programming gadgets. I liked working for hours in the lab and creating things like toy chopper, electronic cars, alarms, sensors, disco lights and more things like that.
Engineering acted as a drug for me. Each passing day I grew more addicted to it. Studying programming languages, and creating games and programs became my passion. Every day I think of creating something new, with my computer science teacher I like creating learning programs. I even created a program named 'PicMe'. The program was about editing a file, and interestingly it learned from earlier attempts of editing a file. I always wanted to do research in artificial intelligence and learning algorithms. And Princeton offers wide range of opportunities to do research work independently and with the faculty members.
People like Jeff Bezos and Eric Schmidt graduated from Princeton. The computer science department at Princeton University offers wide range of courses and opportunities for research work. Its intensive curriculum teaches in-depth about the course, this is what I want. Princeton offers real life expertise and opportunities, like its Honor code. With its renowned faculty and varied course offerings, I would aptly cater to my exploratory nature and will be able to build a strong base in computer science.
Princeton is not just a beautiful and captivating environment, but an institute with a rich history. Both its faculty and students have expanded horizons, and have created groundbreaking inventions. It is not that Princeton is amongst the world's top engineering universities, but it is just that I have found the right institute, a perfect match for my kind of species.
Please include any specific comments (do include harsh ones if so)
I liked your introduction! Pretty descriptive and keep readers excited (I am not sure if descriptive/exaggerated tone works positively for sci dept) Yet, I think the tone becomes quite boring in comparison to that in the first paragraph. I guess you can balance the tone throughout your essay. I mean, the paragraphs look cliche to me, as your essay just reports what you did, nothing more. Elaborate!
Since, then my passion for engineering grew tremendously.
From that time, my interest for engineering grew tremendously.
I think that delete one of these two sentences will be better because they are basically the same meaning.
