"Impact of sports on my life as an asthmatic" - CMU Prompt

Consider your application as a whole. What do you personally want to emphasize about your application for the admission committee's consideration? Highlight something that's important to you or something you haven't had a chance to share. Tell us, don't show us (no websites please). 300 words max.

Thwop...thwop...thwop. Lying in an unfamiliar bed, I awoke to the loud rhythmic thumping. Figures in strange uniforms surrounded me alongside slender machinery wired to my body. Confused and exhausted, I fell back asleep, unaware of the helicopter lifting off and how this moment would start my life-long battle against asthma.
That emergency marked the first of many moments where asthma threatened to control my life. For years, I avoided physical activities, fearful of triggering another attack. This fear slowly developed to an automatic rejection of exercise, leading to obesity and worsening my asthma. Entering high school, I believed physical activity wasn't for me as Freshman year idly passed.
Sophomore year, however, offered a chance to change through tennis. My school's program was small and often overlooked, which made it feel less intimidating. With the encouragement of a sibling, I decided to join. Immediately, my lack of stamina and skill was evident, and I often questioned if I belonged. But with every match and drill, I pushed myself further, eventually improving my fitness. By junior year, I wanted more. I joined cross country to improve my stamina for tennis, but I quickly fell in love with the sport. Running felt freeing, and the individual focus pushed me to compete against myself. From struggling to run 1 mile to running 10 miles, cross country showed I could do much more than I thought.
Today, sports have become an integral part of my life as a testament to my victory against asthma. Growing up as an asthmatic, obese child, I would've never thought of being first varsity for the school tennis team or running 5Ks weekly, as I've always limited my physical abilities growing up. Through athletics, I learned of the value of stepping outside my comfort zone and its benefits.

I feel like the conclusion is kinda weak and I'm not sure if the response fully addresses the question. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

The opening scenario is quite dramatic but is not followed through on by the rest of the essay. A less dramatic opening would suffice to help you achieve a clearer presentation of your being an Asthmatic. You may consider using an actual sports event scenario triggering an Asthma attack and leading you to your diagnosis. The essay seems to get lost in focus though. Are you wanting to inform the reviewer about your being an asthmatic? Or is it about the effects of Asthma on your sports participation? You are trying to cover too much in a simple response. Try to use a more focused, singular presentation instead.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your feedback! I agree with your points and worked to fix them. I'm trying to inform the reviewer about the impact sports participation had on my life by recognizing I hold more potential than the limits I set myself to. I hope this revised essay streamlines my idea more clearly.
Revised Essay:

Tweet! My gym teacher blew the whistle, and I immediately took off, sprinting down the track. Barely fifty meters in, I felt my chest tighten and heard the sounds of my classmates' footsteps grow distant. Dropping to my knees, I felt the familiar panic of an asthma attack. However, I pushed my body to finish the mile with a final time of 9:50. That memory always reminded me of asthma's limitations on my life. Still, it also highlighted a moment where I fought to overcome them.
Entering high school, I wanted to fight back against asthma; however, I was too embarrassed by my weak body to try something new. Sophomore year, however, offered a chance to change through tennis. My school's program was small and often overlooked, which made joining feel less intimidating. Immediately, my lack of stamina and skill was evident, and I frequently questioned if I belonged. But with every match and drill, I pushed myself further, eventually improving my fitness. By junior year, I wanted more. I joined cross country to improve my stamina for tennis, but I quickly fell in love with the sport. Running felt freeing, and the individual focus pushed me to compete against myself. From struggling to run 1 mile to completing 10 miles, I realized asthma didn't define my limits-I did.
Today, sports symbolize my triumph over asthma. Growing up as an asthmatic, obese child, I would've never thought of being the first varsity for the school tennis team or racing 5Ks weekly. By participating in athletics, I learned the value of stepping outside my comfort zone and always pursuing growth. I strive to use this knowledge in every part of my life, and I look forward to applying it to the opportunities and challenges I'll face in college.