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Essay on what important contribution are you proud of?


bigeyes614 1 / -  
Nov 26, 2007   #1
Some feedback would be appreciated! thanks!

For the last two years, watching the Canyon Middle School cheerleaders perform has been one of the highlights of my life. The flash of their white skirts as they spin, their smiling faces, and their sharp motions are all a part of their amazing performances. When the music stops and they hit their ending pose the crowd applauds their performance and they rally off the field. What the crowd doesn't realize though, is that hours and hours of practice went into the 1 minute performance they just witnessed. They only see the result of all their hard work, condensed into 60 seconds with one shot to get it right in front of their audience. It has been my responsibility for the past two years to make sure that 60 seconds is the best it can be. As a volunteer cheerleading coach, I've learned a lot about what makes a good coach, how to manage a team, and the importance of leaving a legacy.

In my experience as a cheerleading coach I've come to understand what makes not just a good coach, but a good role model as well. I learned a lot during my first year as a coach and began my second year determined to continue with the coaching techniques that worked well and to overcome the challenges that held us back the year before. I began by implementing a discipline sequence for tardiness and missed practices. Attendance at practices has improved dramatically since last year and the cheerleaders have also learned to be more responsible by being held accountable for the material they missed at practice if they were absent. Their accountability was also increased by having periodic "cheer quizzes". This was to encourage girls to practice the cheers they learned at home as well so they would know them solidly before performing in front of a much larger audience. Since then I've noticed that they perform with much more confidence in themselves. My coaching experience hasn't just been all about drilling dances and working on cheerleading technique, it's also been about my relationships with the girls I coach. My personal connection with these girls and how they view me is very important to me, since I know I'm in a position where I have fourteen twelve-year-old and thirteen-year-olds looking up to me. By taking the time to encourage girls who are working hard, and having a conversation about the importance of having a positive attitude with girls who are feeling down, I know I'm making positive connections with them and reinforcing important virtues during this pivotal time in their lives. I'm proud to be recognized as a productive leader and a constructive role model in my community.

With all of the unprecedented improvements I've made to the Canyon Middle School cheerleading program, I've realized the importance of passing these policies onto the next coach when I leave for college. I received no guidance from the coach before me, and as a Junior in high school I had no prior experience running a team before. I pulled from what my middle school and high school coaches had done and improvised the rest. I plan to prepare the next cheer coach that will take my place when I leave by explaining the policies I established that helped me, as well as showing them how to run a successful practice. I wouldn't want the next cheerleading coach to have to start from scratch as I did my first year. I hope to leave a legacy and a tradition for the Canyon Middle School cheerleaders that will continue on as long as there is a willing coach to take the job.

I'm proud of how I learned from my first year of coaching and implemented strategies and rules to better the structure and team dynamics this year. I'm proud that my hard work will not be wasted and will be passed on to the next coach. I'm excited to teach the next coach how to run a smooth practice and encourage her to pass on her skills to the next coach. I want to be able to come back years later and see all the improvements that I initiated thriving. My coaching experience has refined my passion to contribute to my community in a profound and lasting way. My desire was to make positive changes in the cheerleading program and to see them sustained in the years to come. I see success in terms of how you shape your world to better it for others. I can truly say with confidence, that I have become a successful cheerleading coach.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Nov 26, 2007   #2
Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

The audience only sees the result of all their hard work, condensed into 60 seconds with one shot to get it right in front of their audience.

Their accountability was also increased by having periodic "cheer quizzes." [In American English, the period goes inside the quotation mark.] This was to encourage girls to practice the cheers they learned at home as well, so they would know them solidly

I have fourteen twelve- and thirteen-year-olds looking up to me.

I've realized the importance of passing these policies on to the next coach

as well as showing her how to run a successful practice.

I can truly say with confidence [omit comma] that I have become a successful cheerleading coach.

My only other suggestion is that you not use contractions; they are frowned on in formal writing, so you might want to change "wouldn't" to "would not," and so on

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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