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"my intellectual and emotional being" - Tufts Supplement


danayx3 1 / -  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
community influence:

My life has been dedicated to finding equilibrium between my intellectual and emotional being. My Cuban background has enlightened in me the force to work for the goals I most desire to reach. Having learned the extremes my family faced to escape a corrupted society and provide me with the opportunity to grow as an intellect, has pushed me to pursue an exceptional character as well as to challenge myself academically. The passion of my Cuban roots together with the American teachings defines who I am and who I will become; they are the forces that inspire greatness within me.

Living in a community that celebrates unity, I find that I am privileged to not only attend a high school that advocates the importance of being a Hispanic but as well am honored to share with my neighbors as if they were my family. My community represents my heritage and reminds me that I am part of a minority who strives through hard work and determination to succeed. I hold a vision of a hardworking young woman whose vigor is stronger than any weakness and whose perseverance will drive her to be all she aspires to be.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 31, 2009   #2
My Cuban background has enlightened in me the force to work for the goals I most desire to reach. Can you write this sentence in a way that is simpler? It is confusing!

Having learned about the extremes my family faced to escape a corrupt society, and to provide me with the opportunity to grow as an intellectually, has...

Right here, can you say something more specific? Give the reader the main theme of what your education is all about, your philosophy of success ----> ...pushed me to pursue an exceptional character as well as to challenge myself academically.
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 31, 2009   #3
Having learned the extremes my family faced to escape a corrupted society to provide me with the opportunity to grow as an intellect, has pushed me to pursue an exceptional character as well as to challenge myself academically. - maybe you could say instead of "having learned" something stronger, like "having witnessed"

Also, there is something I find in your essay: although it is pretty well-written, it doesn't have a great variety of sentence structures. Here you have only long sentences. To improve your essay, you can cut some long sentence into 2 pieces.

I hope I helped
Could you help me with my short questions? thanks!


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