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'my journey profession' - extracurricular activities or work experience



idreamparis 1 / -  
Feb 9, 2012   #1
this is my very first in EF. please check on my commonapp writing on extracurricular activities which i am submitting SOON! pleaseee,,, i am not good at english so your help is much appreciated:) i am wondering if it makes sense or make you confused instead...

I recall one particular event that I participated in, the Talent Show competition. I remember I was shame of dancing fearing from others' jokes, considering this is my very first time showing my dance to the big crowds. However, this time, I force myself to be more daring, to ignore the words of other people so that I might not have any regret of not joining the competition: just like Elbert Hubbard once said, "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one." We are the one who control our own lives by responding to what happens to us. We regulate our own attitudes.

As my name was called and I walked on to the stage, my heart kept on beating like a drum. At that moment, win or lose did not matter but what matter was how I could shed my nervous away and concentrate on my dancing. However, it was useless. My heart was about to fall off and my mind was nowhere to be found. In the end, I was dancing out of the line with my eyes closed for most of the time. Frankly, at first, I thought the show was a failure as for most of the show, the crowds were quiet, but when I ended, a spill of applause, unexpectedly. I could see my friends were stunned. They were saying something but I could not hear it so I was guessing by seeing their movement of their mouth, spilling "I do not you can dance!" At that moment I could know how it felt being on stage, the acclaim.

Sadly, I was not the winner. I could not hide my denial that I was disappointed. However, I learned my life lesson that the more perseverance and experience one has, the ready one is to perform. Even though I lost, I shall not give up but to rise and show others a lot more of my capability. This competition is just a start of my journey in which Oliver Goldsmith once said that "Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." I bear in mind that the satisfaction of participating the competition made dance the most exhilarating and rewarding experience of my junior school profession.

juel33 2 / 5  
Feb 13, 2012   #2
I remember I was shame of dancing fearing from others' jokes

I think it should be like this... I remember I was shy shame of dancing fearing from others' jokes..
However,that this time, I forced force myself to be more daring..

Good writing..

Best of luck
TransferQDK 1 / 3  
Feb 13, 2012   #3
I remember I was shame of dancing fearing from others' jokes, considering this is my very first time showing my dance to the big crowds.

Here's a better sentence:
I remember I was scared of dancing as it was my first performance in front of a big crowd.

As I read through I see too many grammatical mistakes to list. My honest advice would be to work on it with your teacher or a counselor.

Good Luck!
EF_Susan - / 2310  
Feb 14, 2012   #4
I remember I was ashamed of dancing, fearing from others' jokes, considering this was my very first time showing my dance to a big crowds .

However, this time, I forced myself to be more daring, to ignore the words of other...

We are the ones who control our own lives by responding to what happens to us

My heart was about to fall offstop beating and my mind was nowhere to be found.

Frankly, at first, I thought the show was a failure as for most of the show, the crowds were quiet, but when it ended, a spill of applause, unexpectedly.

I could see that my friends were stunned.

They were saying something but I could not hear it so I was guessing by seeing the movement of their mouths , spilling "I did not you could dance!"

Sadly, I was not the winner. I could not hide my denialthe fact that I was disappointed.

However, I learned my life lesson that the more perseverance and experience one has, the more ready one is to perform.

:)


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