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Kelley School of Business - My life experiences, past and current school work, and strong commitment


swlw 1 / -  
Sep 28, 2016   #1
Prompt:
In 250 words or more, write an essay describing the qualifications you have that make you a strong candidate for this program. What abilities and attributes would you like to develop more fully? Please pay particular attention to grammar, punctuation, and spelling. Unprofessional and poorly written essays will result in your application being rejected.

Essay:
My life experiences, past and current school work, and a strong commitment to succeed are what makes me a strong candidate to excel in the Kelley School of Business. I have assumed leadership roles on athletic teams in high school, as well as in the classroom, that have given me insight on how to do well in leadership roles. Courses like Business Communication, and The Computer in Business have laid a foundation for me to grown upon as a business student. Other courses in accounting, law, and economics have made me a well versed student.

A will to succeed has always been my most constant attribute. I thrive in high pressure situations, a skill that I will likely have to rely upon in the business world. Hard work, determination, and an unwavering focus are what separate me from most when the pressure is on. Working well in teams in another quality I posses. My ability to take on many different roles within a team is a reason I flourish when working with a group. I can lead, generate ideas, or simply be the glue that holds the team together.

My work experience has a given me a strong back ground in customer service, as well as allow me to grow my interpersonal communication, and sales skills. Having worked in large Fortune 500 companies such as UPS and Lowe's, I have gained a basic understanding of what it takes to to succeeded in a large company. These experiences have strengthened my desire to enter the business world.

At Kelley, I intend to major in Supply Chain Management. This field has long interested me for a variety of reasons. I hope to learn how modern supply chain concepts work, and how I can apply them upon graduation in my professional career. I want to develop my ability to think analytically, business knowledge, and continue to grow as a person and as a professional. Furthermore, I want to leave Kelley an all around professional ready to succeed in the business world. I am ready to seize my moment.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Sep 29, 2016   #2
Hi Steven,

welcome to EF! :)
As the prompt said, I would like to focus on your grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... commitment to succeed are what makemakes me a strong candidate... (your subject is plural. The verb "makes" doesn't agree with the plural subject that you've written)

- I have assumedassume that leadership roles on (...) in the classroom, that have given me ...
- Courses like Business Communication and (no comma needed) The Computer in ...

2nd paragraph:
- ...a skill that I will more likely have to rely ...
- ...are what separate me from most(what do you mean by "most"? most people? most businessman? most what?) when the pressure is on.

- Working well in teams isin another quality that I posses.
- My ability to takeplay on many different roles with in a team is athe reason why I flourishdevelop when working with a group.

- I can lead, generate ideas, or simply be the glue that holdsbonds the team together. (I think "bond" is more appropriate)

As you can see, the third and fourth paragraphs are left behind. Your job is to read and check them again in order to reach a better essay development later on. You can always come here and post the revision below my message. Hope this helps :)
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Sep 29, 2016   #3
Hello,

There are two main problems with your essay. The first is that you simply glaze over your experiences without ever really telling the reader a bit more about the experience and why it was so impactful for you. The second is that you never really tell the adcom at Kelley just how you will utilize the resources of that program to help you achieve your goals. To make this essay more robust, you should take one experience, explore fully by talking about what you learned and areas of improvement and then directly correlate any deficiencies to aspects of the Kelley program that will help you address those. - Selective Admissions


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