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"Key Club" - CommonApp Short Response



CollegeHopefuls 4 / 7  
Dec 29, 2011   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

Water gathered at the rim of the woman's eyes, sparkling. As I wrapped the cashmere scarf around her shoulders, I recalled her "qualifications" from my job briefing. Low income, mother of four, soup kitchen dependent - they probably made her holiday less than merry. To her, the scarf was more than a piece of cloth. It gave her warmth. Instantly, the mounds of toys, clothes, and essentials were no longer burdens to be given away. I was blessed with the opportunity to give. I smiled and welcomed her to Christmas House.

Through events like this Key Club has allowed me to reach out with love and compassion. Show initiative to better my community, and as leader, motivate members to do the same. Together we raised over $1,200 for UNICEF and committed weekly visits to the homeless shelter in Seattle. Key Club has invested me with a strong sense of community and helped me discover my passion therein. Service resonates with my heart, because I do believe that my actions will make a difference.

It'd be nice if you guys can help me out with my short response for common app. I'm trying not to use "passion" in my second paragraph. Any suggestion of replacing the word/phrase? Thanks so much!!

zkachmer 5 / 11  
Dec 29, 2011   #2
It's really good, but the second sentence of the second paragraph doesnt seem to work grammatically. Did you mean to say "showing" and motivates? Otherwise, i dont think you need to replace passion, but you could use something like "love of serving others"
carochoi 3 / 22  
Dec 29, 2011   #3
Overall, this is a pretty solid essay. You might want to add in a few more examples of your work in Key Club (only if you have more space). The more detailed you are with your examples, the more that universities will enjoy reading your work.
OP CollegeHopefuls 4 / 7  
Dec 29, 2011   #4
To Zach: The second sentence is really a continuation of the first. So it reads like this: "Key Club has allowed me to reach out...show initiative...motivate members." I don't want to have a long sentence, but I couldn't manage to break it down without grammatical/syntactical awkwardness...

To Carolynn: Right now it's exactly 1000 characters... Do you have any advice as to any extraneous parts to cut down so I can fit more examples?

Oh, do you think I should spell out $1200?

Thank you so much to you both!! I'll get back to your essays with feedback asap. (:


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