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I know personally how enriching studying abroad can be.


pash_fashion 1 / 1  
Feb 17, 2007   #1
I've been out of school for quite some time, so this has been very difficult for me. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

for privacy reasons I replaced the design house I woked for with xxxxxx.

thnx.

Having previously studied in South America for a year I know how personally enriching studying abroad can be. This is one of the many reasons why I want to pursue my BA in Fashion Marketing in England.

I first became interested in this field after earning my AA in Fashion Design and landing a job working for XXXXXX assisting the retail director, Andrea. I was fortunate to have her as a mentor for the three years that I was the store manager. I watched in amazement as her job took several forms. She advised XXXX on which items to keep or omit from a line to order to maximize revenues, oversaw the retail stores, and was in charge of all the marketing and merchandising. My first real job in the fashion industry made me realize I had a lot more to learn if I wanted to be successful in this business.

While still working for XXXXX I decided to continue my education and become more involved in community projects that involved fashion. Since then, I have produced fashion shows for fellow artists as well as a few of my own in art galleries such as Cannibal Flower and Blue Chips. I have also assisted in two of the Latin Factory (Bienestar AIDS benefit) fashion shows. These projects have been some of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. Each challenge I met only reinforced my love for the fashion industry. In addition, they made me well aware of my drive, ambition, and commitment.

I have developed a passion in this business that exceeds anything I expected, as well as conviction that with further education and training I will have the potential to attain whatever goals I establish for myself. Studying in London will be a defining element to my undergraduate degree with today's global economy. I believe the opportunity of being exposed to this fashion capital will be a very rewarding experience.
aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 17, 2007   #2
Wow i like it alot, it's a personal essay.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Feb 17, 2007   #3
Greetings!

Well, obviously, the time spent away from school has not hurt your writing ability one bit! This is a very well-written essay!

Since you express some extra concern about the introduction, I will give you my thoughts on it.

"Having previously studied in South America for a year I know how personally enriching studying abroad can be. This is one of the many reasons why I want to pursue my BA in Fashion Marketing in England." - While there is nothing technically wrong with this introduction, there are some changes you could make to make it just a little more engaging. For one thing, studying in South America sounds like an exciting thing to do -- but you don't tell us anything about what that was like; it is not mentioned further in the essay. Perhaps you could expand on that a bit. I don't know what your word limit is and how close you are to it, but if you have some room to expand, I'd advise giving a little detail about your studies in South America and in what ways they were "personally enriching." Also, I don't think "Having previously studied..." is a very strong opening. Something a little more attention-grabbing would be good, perhaps with some colorful description or metaphor. I'll give you an example:

"When I stepped off the plane into the colorful whirlwind that is Brazil, I knew my view of the world was about to expand exponentially. Throughout my time there, I discovered how incredibly enriching it can be to be exposed to an entirely new culture. This is one of the many reasons I am eagerly looking forward to pursuing my BA in Fashion Marketing in England."

Sometimes just a little imagery and a bit more action can make a difference in how interesting an essay is to read. I hope these suggestions give you some ideas of your own!

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP pash_fashion 1 / 1  
Feb 18, 2007   #4
Thank you so much Sarah.
Having a pro review my essay and give me feedback is absolutely priceless.

Thank you!!!!


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