Hey guys i really need your help in improving my essay. This is just my draft so please don't hesitate to really butcher it. Any comment will really be appreciated :D thank you in advanced!
Essay Prompt # 1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
Lab Coats and Isopropyl Alcohol
A trip to the doctor was definitely not the most exhilarating experience. The unspeakable horrors of receiving annual shots were enough to discourage me from entering this uncharted territory called the hospital. The long wait inside the lobby made the encounter even worse; however, it did have a benefit. I had the invaluable opportunity to see doctors in action.
As a child, some of my most exciting experiences came from seeing doctors in the field. When a stainless steel sheet pierced my brother in his mid-calf, I was able to observe the deft manner in which the doctor stitched the deep cut. The precise movements of the doctor's hands and her mental alertness were beyond amazing, but what really drew my attention was how she contained the tense atmosphere with her cool composure. The entire operation took less than an hour to complete, but after the last stitch was made, I knew that I wanted to help others by becoming a doctor.
I had an idealistic view of medicine during those times. I saw doctors as superheroes who had the power to cure anyone. Perhaps their costumes were lab coats, and the scent of isopropyl alcohol triggered their curative superpower. Of course, this mentality died down eventually, specifically when my grandmother had a cancer relapse. We woke up each day not knowing if our grandmother made it through the night, for neither the regular chemotherapy nor the radiation sessions improved her condition. When at last her time came, deep inside I was mad at the doctors for not being able to save her.
The reality disillusioned me from pursuing my childhood dream. It was during high school senior year, after I was assigned as the school's corps commander and head medic, when I remembered that dream. My training gave me the opportunity to study first aid, carries, land, water and mid-air rescues, and CPR under official Red Cross volunteers. Once, a classmate suddenly fell on the floor unconscious. Just like what was taught in training, I immediately checked her vital signs and when nothing seemed amiss, except for the fact that she was unconscious, I carefully carried her to the clinic. A sense of pride and fulfillment overcame me when, after a few minutes, I saw her regain consciousness. Applying what I learned reawakened my childhood desire to help others heal. Ultimately, I wanted to become a physician.
During that same year, one of my co-officers contracted encephalitis and died several weeks after it was diagnosed. I was one of the few people who saw how the viral infection took a toll on her day-to-day life. Disorientation replaced her once sharp wits and even the simple task of writing or composing a text message became laborious. Through her, I realized that a human brain is irreplaceable not just because it was an organ doctors cannot transplant yet but because if it failed, the rest of the body followed. That's why I would like to study neurology and focus on brain plasticity, especially in children. If the brain can compensate for damages even after a hemispherectomy then maybe it could be used to treat encephalitis and other incurable brain infections.
There is so much to learn about the brain's cognitive function, about how a slight alteration in the levels of neurotransmitters greatly affects the human body, which is why I am really interested in taking up neurology as my major. I am aware that neurology as a pre-medicine course is demanding but a lifetime of studying is a small price to pay for the ability to help others heal. It is not one of the more developed areas of expertise here in the Philippines, which is why I turn to the University of California System to fulfill my dreams of one day donning a white lab coat and joining other neurologists in discovering the wonders of the human brain.
Impressive!!! The story line is superb. Your essay is bound to stand out amongst that of your peers. Except for a little glitch in the grammatical structure of your introductory paragraph, you can go for it! Try this;
The unspeakable horrors of receiving annual shots were enough to discourage me from entering this uncharted territory called the hospital; the long wait inside the lobby made the encounter even worse. However, it did have a benefit; I had the invaluable opportunity to see doctors in action.
Watch out for the positioning of the semi colons and full stops.
I would be glad to have a creative mind like yours to tear my statement of intent apart. Tnx.
