Prompt: CommonApp 1: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
I am an international student from China. English is my second language. If there is any place that is confusing or wordy in my essay, please give me any critics or feedback! ANY suggestions and feedbacks would be much appreciated!
Essay:
When I was 9, my mom changed my name. I was too young to understand why she want to gave me a new given name. I remembered that there is an old Chinese saying, "to learn, to reflect, to be a better one;" and that was where my new given name came from, but I was not quite sure what did that exactly mean. I asked my mom. She told me to imagine this complicated society as a raging torrent in a river, to survive, I need to learn how to adapt when I am in this river. It was vague. I did not get it.
There is not an exact point in my life that I realize the influence of my name to myself, because it is influencing me all the time. In middle school, I was the top student in that school district. Everyone in my family thought that I would be a literature teacher or a writer after I graduated. But there was a sound saying deep in my heart, "I don't want to be either of those." Indeed, literature was my strength, but I love art more than I love literature. Nothing stopped me from chasing art. "I want to be an artist." I told myself. So I abandoned Chinese education, and transferred to an international school, which provides me a rich academic curriculum in variety fields of art. This was the most ambitious and challenging decision I made to let myself to learn better. I knew a fish will never learn how to swim until it leaves the fish tank.
Yet, it was not that easy to study in this environment. Most of our classmates came to this international school after they graduate from middle school. But I got into this school with only two years of middle school experience. My freshmen year was full of obstacles. I worked harder than others, because I need to study extra knowledge that my class mates already learnt in their middle school, and I need to familiarize myself in an English-based learning environment at the same time. I barely understood my classes and failed lots of exams. For many times I did not even turn in my homework on time because I need an extra night to digest the knowledge, but I knew deeply in my heart, this is the process of learning. Every sleepless night when I asked myself if I want to quit my study, there was a firm and clear sound in my head saying, "to learn, to reflect, to be a better one."
Under this pressure, I didn't forget why I came to this international school. In this four years, I took almost all the art courses in my school, spending my time indulging in art history readings. Through these years, I went to every possible art exhibitions, to took notes and to talk with artists; held art clubs to strengthen my leadership; took over countless of designs in my school. Even when I was making posters in my non-art classes, I tried to make them as aesthetic and elegant as possible. I kept writing reflections to myself, to see if I could make improvements on the next time. I know I am not the best. Looking back to all the accomplishments I have done to my school and my community, I told myself that this is not the end. "To learn, to reflect, to be a better me." All these years I did not forget my belief.
At the end, I figured out why my mom told me "to adapt in a torrent", and the meaning of my name. Whenever I learn, I change. Like the ebb and low of an infinite torrent, nothing remains the same forever, and natural selection never stops, so I must change in order to adapt to the environment. Perhaps at all time I know what is the meaning of my name, because it is in my blood since I was born. It told me that the society is like a torrent. It changes every single moment. To survive in this raging torrent, I need to learn and adapt like a fish learning how to swim faster. I learn, so that I get better and better in these infinite amount of possibilities. Or someday I would be the raging torrent itself, so I could dance freely with all other changing matters inside me.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Shanran, the first thing you should do to revise this essay is to develop a introductory paragraph that first, gives your original name then, your new name. Explain the tradition of giving two names to the reader as this is something that is unique to the Chinese culture and traditions. By telling the reader your two names and then concentrating on the second name and its meaning, you give the essay a sense of clarity that is lacking at the moment.
Your overall essay is a bit difficult to read at the moment because of the lack of proper formatting. Remember to leave a space between paragraphs so that the essay will be easier to read. For the writer, it also eases the act of revising the essay because you can easily find the part to edit in the paragraph.
Your essay would be greatly helped by your personal reflection regarding your name. How did you feel when you were given a new name? Did you find it necessary? Did giving you a new name help you improve your self-confidence? Or did the name serve as a sort of unspoken guide in your life? I think there is an implication in your essay that the name serves as some sort of inspiration or guidance for you. The essay will really be further improved if you add such a paragraph to this essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 Shanran, in my opinion, you need not refer to the fact that your name is connected to your motto in life. You can just keep the motto as a background foundation instead. You see, when you talk about your name, you do not actually mention what it i is. Neither do you refer to the name in an important way within the essay. It is kind of like, the name is not as important as what it means and how you embody the meaning of the phrase / saying / belief. Since you never mention the actual name in the essay, making it the basis of the essay seems to be out of place. You can remove the reference to the name and just say that your parents often told you about that motto when you were growing up. Relate it instead to times in your life when you felt like giving up and your parents would tell you to remember that motto. Which then gave you the courage to keep going and eventually, succeed in life. Make it more of a true background essay rather than something that anchors on a discussion that is not totally dealt with in the essay.
