"I've learned how to deal with difficult changes" - Meaningful event in my life

Prompt:
Write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience, or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

I was born in Suffern, New York on April 4th, 1993. I lived in a small town called Greenwood Lake for 13 years of my life. I had spent my childhood in the same neighborhood, in the same home, and with the same friends and schoolmates. However, on July 17th, 2006 I found myself on a one-way trip to Florida; never to return to what I use to call home. My dad had recently retired from his job with ABC News and decided to move down and live in Florida. This move was a drastic change to everything that I had once known. I had no friends, no relatives, and no idea where my life was heading. I was asking God what was he doing, and why was this was happening to me.

My first year living in Florida was a rough one without a doubt. I made a few friends at school; however, my grades were not at all on par with how I usually performed. Coming out of middle school, I had straight A's yet now I was making C's with a few B's. Thankfully, though, this is not how the story ends. It took months, but I began to adjust and fix my attitude towards my situation and more importantly began to fix my grades. I also became much more involved in my and church and faith. I live very close to a church that has many opportunities for youth to serve both in the church and also in the community. Within the church I've become a student leader of my youth group and also learned how to operate many devices such as cameras, soundboards, and lighting systems. I also perform community service and helped construct, repair, and clean structures and parks for the community.

Change teaches a person many things. I've learned how to deal with difficult changes and moves in my life. I know what it is like to jump into a "whole new world" or experience. I know the mistakes I had made such as hurting my academics or throwing a negative attitude towards everything I faced. Now that I have learned from these mistakes, I believe that this event has adequately equipped and prepared me to face the problems many freshmen students face in their beginning years of college. I know now to stay focused on my academics and goals and to meet new situations with a positive attitude rather than a negative one.

My friend you write an excellent essay but one sentence gives negative impression


In my option you change this sentence.

The beginning is boring, because although those details about place and date are meaningful to you, they tax the reader's attention which should be given to your powerful sentences. I think it is good to do this:

I was born in Suffern, New York on April 4th, 1993. I lived in a small town called Greenwood Lake for 13 years of my life. I had spent my childhood in the same neighborhood, in the same home, and with the same friends and schoolmates. However, o On July 17th, 2006 I found myself on a one-way trip to Florida, never to return to what I use to call home. My dad had recently retired from ...

See how exciting that is at the start? Begin there, at the first exciting sentence. :-)

THESIS STATEMENT:
...this was happening to me. (right here, at the end of the first paragraph, write a sentence that sums up the meaning of the whole essay, the moral of the story.)

:-)