LEYSIN AMERICA SCHOOL, SWITZERLAND APPLICATION ESSAY

Who has had the most significant impact in your life? Explain what they did and how this affected you.
Please help me with this if you can

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela was a South-African anti-apartheid revolutionary, politician and philanthropist. In his fight for South-African freedom and self-rule, he endured a jail term of twenty-seven years until he was finally released. Shortly after his release he became the President of South Africa for a one term tenure lasting from 1994 to 1999 after which he handed power over to Thambo Mbeki.

Nelson Mandela led a life similar to one which I would love to lead. I have a vision that someday Muslims all around the world would be accepted and not first misjudged as threats to international security. Nelson Mandela has taught me to fight for what I most believe in and to never give up until I have reached my goal. He has made me believe that it is possible to positively alter a person or people's opinion through his saying, "No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."

Oluwato, after reading your essay, from the very beginning you have already establish that Nelson Mandela
made a huge impact in your life, I suggest that you supplement his name by using "his" or "him", for you not to keep

mentioning him all through out the essay.

Remember, as much as this essay is about the person that has influenced you, the most important focus should not be on the
person but on you. You have to revise your essay and direct it to your learnings from the life of the person who influenced you the most.

I hope to read your revised essay and don't forget to use stronger words that will dictate your will for greatness just like your role model,

but this time focus on yourself and your will to follow his footsteps.

thank you @justivy03.
I hope this is a better essay. I've added some more information and have taken to your corrections

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela was a South-African anti-apartheid revolutionary, politician and philanthropist. In his fight for South-African freedom and self-rule, he endured a jail term of twenty-seven years until he was finally released. Shortly after his release, he became the President of South Africa for a one term tenure from 1994 to 1999 after which he handed political power over to President Thambo Mbeki.

Nelson Mandela fought for what he believed in most. He never gave up even in the times when his faith in humanity was sorely tested. he was ready to go to any extremes to be heard and given an opportunity to prove that all he was fighting for was worth it. Even after people had once believed in him had given up hope, he chose not. Eventually, he won his fight and restored hope in the lives of all South-Africans.

Nelson Mandela led a life similar to one which I would love to lead. I am a Muslim girl who is very concerned about the image people have of Muslims and Islam as a religion. Truly, Islam teaches submission to the will of Allah. However, I want to prove to the world at large that the will of Allah is not to take innocent lives with the excuse of securing a place in Paradise (Al-Jannah). I have a vision that someday, Muslims all over the world would be accepted and not first misjudged as threats to international security. He has taught to me to fight for what I most believe in and never give up until I have reached my goal. he has made me believe that optimism is my only option and that it is possible to positively alter a person or people's opinion of you through his saying, "No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than it's opposite

I really like it. You connect the person with yourself and answer the question very well. In terms of conveying information, it tells the reader exactly what he wants to know and answers the question. In terms of college admissions, I'm a bit unsure because it doesn't show why you'd be a more attractive candidate over others.

Also, just my two cents, I'd rate this as a 8/10 right now, but as you're a muslim woman, you have a wealth of experiences that are very 'in the now' in the media. The media always cries about how Islam is incompatible with feminism and western values, and an essay on that would be a killer, IMO.