Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
"Life is but a dream." It is meaningful and unimaginable. Seventeen years and I have blossomed from a cute, precious little toddler into a young man with infinite dreams, some still from my childhood fantasies, some more realistic. Fortunately, during this intimate journey, I have experienced many unique activities that profoundly shaped my life. Just as a catalyst can stimulate a reaction, my love for competition and my desire to make an impact on society have precipitated me to choose business at Tepper School of Business at Carnegie Mellon University (CMU).
Business is pragmatic. Throughout my teenage ...
I think that f your major s business, you should write a little more about that. Also, why Carnegie? Here are a few small things;
I found myself capable of communicating with others through leadership and guidance, as well as ethics.
I have come to understand perseverance and determination.
From grueling 2-hour dry land practices,...
There have been times when I removed my goggles and realized that my opponent has ...
As my crew and I prepare the necessary equipment in the ambulance, we always anticipate for the worst...
A few suggestions:
"Life is but a dream." It is meaningful and unimaginable. Seventeen years and I have blossomed from a cute, precious little toddler into a young man with infinite dreams, some still from my childhood fantasies, some more realistic. Fortunately , during this intimate journey, I have experienced many unique activities that profoundly shaped my life. Just as a catalyst can stimulate a reaction, my love for competition and my desire to make an impact on society have precipitatedled me to choose business at Tepper School of Business at Carnegie Mellon University (CMU).
Business is pragmatic. Throughout my teenage years, I found myself capable of communicating with others, leadership and guidance, as well as ethics. This is a confusing sentence, try rewording it.
During my 12 years of swimming and proudly bringing Parsippany High School Swim Team to New Jersey States, I have understood perseverance and determination. From grueling 2-hour dryland practices with incessant bomber push-ups to sweat-laden swim practices, I endure and find joyfind joy and endure . My goal as captain of the team is to create a zealous passion in all my swimmers, and to raise them even higher than their expectations. Not only am I competitive, but I now comprehend the definition of leadership and persistence. I have a hunger to succeed and to rise up.
Nevertheless, life does not always go according to plan. There have been times when I remove my goggles and realize that my opponent has out touched me by less than a tenth of a second. However , even if I fail, I realize that competition only drives excellence. With a small business class, I can compete and excel with my peers, and abundantly learn from the plethora of Nobel Laureates that teach at CMU. The cliché "'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" truly is a monumental statement.I would not suggest any cliches Competition is ubiquitous and perseverance weeds out the winners from the losers and CMU will provide the education that will advance and prepare my future in the business world.
My Emergency Medical Squad experience presents me with knowledge and appreciation of life and society, strangers and friends alike. Consider rewording this sentence. Building bonds with the people that I normally would not ingratiateDefinitely use a different word myself with truly reveals to me how much my society needs a caring hand. As my crew and I prepare the necessary equipment in the ambulance, we always anticipate for the worst because life can be instantaneous and unfathomable. Regardless , when we drop off the patient into the trauma entrance of the hospital, and he sincerely looks us in the eyes and says "thank you for saving my life", our heartbeats jump. Precious moments like these are worth living for each day. When I enter college, I still want to continue my act of volunteering and give back to community.
Why do I choose Carnegie Mellon? While I develop as a business major, I can grow even further through community involvement and social responsibility. The inimitable opportunity that awaits me is Tepper's Professional Service Project that allows me to use my talent, with my business proficiency, to engage and return to society through volunteerism. I can imagine myself ten years from now working to better the world through my profession. God has given me so much and I look forward to helping society.
This is a good essay, with only some minor problems. You use too many adverbs and adjectives at times, as the strength of an argument is carried by nouns and verbs.
