Hello Essayforum mods. I was waitlisted from UVM, and I wanted to send a letter to help my case (I've got a terribly low GPA). I figured I should probably get some feedback on it before I send it, so this is it; I'm just looking for some general feedback. What do you think?
(It takes up one page single-spaced)
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Jonathan Shahaf Inbar, and I have applied for admission to the University of Vermont for the Fall 2009 semester. Through this letter, I hope to give you a better understanding of who I am, because I do not believe any documents you posses can truly sum up my character and credentials. Complacently, this letter will become one such document; however I trust it will give a more three-dimensional image of me than my GPA can provide.
I should start with the fact that I will be getting a PhD in the future. Admittedly, I cannot know where I will be after my first four years of college, but I can assure you that every path I foresee my life taking involves getting the highest form of education available to me. One of these paths ends in me teaching college level particle physics. Others involve university-paid or government grant-funded biology research. Science is the heart of my passion to learn, and I am determined to make substantial contributions to the field within my lifetime.
I am currently in touch with professors and department heads from Harvard and Northeastern Universities (those two particularly because they are easily accessible and I am often in those areas practicing parkour) who are helping me plan an independent research project I am currently doing with a friend from my AP Biology class. Our new biology teacher is a student in college, and the department head at Brookline High School is a physics teacher, so we turned to professors in universities when my teachers couldn't provide definite answers. The project involves using hormones and other chemical signals to coax a Canadian Maple tree (a non-fruit bearing plant) to produce fruit.
Meanwhile, I am developing a scrabble-like game with my Quantum Mechanics teacher that will help college level students understand the world of subatomic particles. The game is the result of a project I took on to create a simple and logical "Periodic Table of Elementary Particles" that included both fermions and bosons. The project helped both me and my teacher understand how elemental particles behave, as well as how they interact and combine into baryons, mesons, and exotic hadrons.
While I can confidently say I love the sciences, a more recently acquired academic interest of mine is an appreciation for languages. When I started my high school career, I viewed learning language as useless and irritating. This outlook came from 7th and 8th grade French, through which I feel I have learnt little to nothing. I took Chinese in 9th grade for the opportunity to go to China on Brookline High School's infamous China Exchange Program. I was accepted as one of 8 students to participate in my junior year, and the experience changed my life. Since then, I have devoted myself to learning Chinese, but I also had a hunger to learn other languages. The sweet sound of spoken Italian and beautiful calligraphy of Arabic enticed me, and I wanted to learn those, too. Today, I have been selected as one of 20 finalists for a nationwide high school Chinese speech competition. It is as much an honor as it is an opportunity to learn more Chinese from the extra hours I spend practicing my speech with my Chinese teacher.
To further improve my Chinese studies, and as an opportunity to return to China, I plan to volunteer this summer as a children's English teacher in the GuangZhou province
The University of Vermont is one of my top-choice schools. I am eager to study on the beautiful campus and am already anxious to join a few programs and classes I have read about online. If accepted for admittance, it is very likely I will choose to attend. I appreciate your careful consideration of my application.
Best Regards,
Jonathan S. Inbar
(It takes up one page single-spaced)
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Jonathan Shahaf Inbar, and I have applied for admission to the University of Vermont for the Fall 2009 semester. Through this letter, I hope to give you a better understanding of who I am, because I do not believe any documents you posses can truly sum up my character and credentials. Complacently, this letter will become one such document; however I trust it will give a more three-dimensional image of me than my GPA can provide.
I should start with the fact that I will be getting a PhD in the future. Admittedly, I cannot know where I will be after my first four years of college, but I can assure you that every path I foresee my life taking involves getting the highest form of education available to me. One of these paths ends in me teaching college level particle physics. Others involve university-paid or government grant-funded biology research. Science is the heart of my passion to learn, and I am determined to make substantial contributions to the field within my lifetime.
I am currently in touch with professors and department heads from Harvard and Northeastern Universities (those two particularly because they are easily accessible and I am often in those areas practicing parkour) who are helping me plan an independent research project I am currently doing with a friend from my AP Biology class. Our new biology teacher is a student in college, and the department head at Brookline High School is a physics teacher, so we turned to professors in universities when my teachers couldn't provide definite answers. The project involves using hormones and other chemical signals to coax a Canadian Maple tree (a non-fruit bearing plant) to produce fruit.
Meanwhile, I am developing a scrabble-like game with my Quantum Mechanics teacher that will help college level students understand the world of subatomic particles. The game is the result of a project I took on to create a simple and logical "Periodic Table of Elementary Particles" that included both fermions and bosons. The project helped both me and my teacher understand how elemental particles behave, as well as how they interact and combine into baryons, mesons, and exotic hadrons.
While I can confidently say I love the sciences, a more recently acquired academic interest of mine is an appreciation for languages. When I started my high school career, I viewed learning language as useless and irritating. This outlook came from 7th and 8th grade French, through which I feel I have learnt little to nothing. I took Chinese in 9th grade for the opportunity to go to China on Brookline High School's infamous China Exchange Program. I was accepted as one of 8 students to participate in my junior year, and the experience changed my life. Since then, I have devoted myself to learning Chinese, but I also had a hunger to learn other languages. The sweet sound of spoken Italian and beautiful calligraphy of Arabic enticed me, and I wanted to learn those, too. Today, I have been selected as one of 20 finalists for a nationwide high school Chinese speech competition. It is as much an honor as it is an opportunity to learn more Chinese from the extra hours I spend practicing my speech with my Chinese teacher.
To further improve my Chinese studies, and as an opportunity to return to China, I plan to volunteer this summer as a children's English teacher in the GuangZhou province
The University of Vermont is one of my top-choice schools. I am eager to study on the beautiful campus and am already anxious to join a few programs and classes I have read about online. If accepted for admittance, it is very likely I will choose to attend. I appreciate your careful consideration of my application.
Best Regards,
Jonathan S. Inbar