Although you not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program appeals to you and why?
I am attracted to both the Mathematics and the Physics program. Most importantly, both of them interest me and I think I have future in both, because this semester I was in the top of my class in both mathematics and physics (altough I sahred the rank with two other peers in math) If I had to choose one, right now I have a slight preference for Physics as a major. Why? I want to better our society, something harder to do with pure mathematics. The way I see it, pure mathematics will make me profit while pure physics will make me and the others profit.
Good evening.
"I am attracted to both the mathematics and the physics programsat your institution . Most importantly, both of them interest me because? and I think I have future in both, because this semester I was in the top of my class in both mathematics and physics (although I shared the rank with two other peers in math). If I had to choose one, right now I have a slight preference to the physics major. Why? I want to better our society, something harder to do with pure mathematics. The way I see it, pure mathematics will make me a profit while pure physics will make me and the others profit."
I really like our closing. Perhaps you can add in earlier in the essay why it is you are drawn to those two programs? What is it you would like to accomplish?
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Original:
I am attracted to both the Mathematics and the Physics program. (Passive voice - rewrite) Most importantly, both of them interest me and I think I have future in both, because this semester I was in the top of my class (Not grammar-related but you sound too self-important) in both mathematics and physics (altough I sahred (Typo! Shared, not "sahred") the rank with two other peers in math) (Add period here) (Also, that last sentence was REALLY run-on) If I had to choose one, right now I have a slight preference for Physics as a major. Why? I want to better our ("Our" seems a bit ambiguous. Are you including the reader in the personal pronoun?) society, something harder to do with pure mathematics. The way I see it (This introductory clause seems unnecessary), pure mathematics will make me profit while pure physics will make me and the others (Omit "the" and then rewrite: "myself and others") profit (Don't use the same word twice in such close proximity).
Edited:
Both mathematics and physics attract me. I could have possible futures in both fields; this past semester I was the top of my physics and math classes. However, if I had to choose one right now, I would declare my preference for physics. Why? Because I want to better society, something easier to accomplish with physics than with math. While going into math will profit just me, establishing a career in physics will benefit both myself and others.
*Edited version is just a suggestion; don't copy-paste. Disregard if you think I made it choppy or bad.
Thank you jessmel; your assistance is appreciated.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
thank you very much for your reviews. I am planning to add this sentence after "both of them interest me":
"... because they use logic as a way to solve most problems people could have."
Do you think it is OK?
"polite" bump
I think that would be fine.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
