I quite liked your essay. It was interesting and related to the prompt while maintaining its originality (I'm sure there can't be too many other applicants writing about The Wire!). Having never watched The Wire myself, your essay made me want to search it up. With that said, however, make sure to avoid sounding too much like a TV critic-- see where you can tie this in with yourself and what specifically made it
meaningful to you. Right now it's about 3/4 focus on the show itself and 1/4 focus on yourself..this makes the ending come a little abruptly. Also see if you can split up your last line into shorter sentences to avoid sounding rushed, the ending is where you have brought the focus back onto yourself.
*red=delete; green=added in; blue=awkward/rephrase/comments
Overall it was a pretty good read and I hope my comments helped! Best of luck :)
Streets littered with stains of blood and bullet shell s:. This is the story of drug dealers and the Baltimore Police Department:, a seemingly simple concept, yet one that portrayed themes (specify what themes are being portrayed?) with unparalleled potency. The Wire may appear to fall into the stereotyped detective-show category, revolving around the evident (not sure I would use "evident" here...) protagonist in pursuit of the (adjective?) drug dealers. Yet, the true star of the show is not the lead detective, nor is it even the antagonists ("nor even the antagonist"? check up on the grammar here) ; rather, it is the city itself: (, Baltimore) Baltimore.
(Transition?) Though most shows shy away from portraying flaws in our society, The Wire boldly depicts not only the rampant violence that came about with the drug market, but, further, (rephrase, punctuation here is a little awkward) delves into the institutional dysfunction, particularly in the government and police departments . Yet, the main reason the show was capable of delivering such potent messages of society was due to its lack of relying on (a little wordy here) any suspension of disbelief. Most forms of media, for the sake of interest, revolve the plot around an unquestionably fictional premise. The Wire, however, in both its characters and depiction, is fully realistic. In fact, throughout the show, all the recording was done in a 4:3 aspect ratio and without any special effects or music, lending the gritty feel the show epitomizes. Many of the characters, similarly, were not played by professional actors, but rather citizens of Baltimore who had experienced life in the city and could easily delineate it simply by being themselves. (This information is interesting but may be more effective if it were a bit more concise. Also see if you can tie it in a little more with this paragraph or the next)
Coupled with the thematic impact of the show, this show has had a great impact (try not to use "impact" twice in one sentence!) on me, for it portrays areas of the world that I have not had much direct contact with, namely where education is not the primary concern of families and must therefore resort to such lifestyles to survive, having made me appreciate my opportunities and community more. (A little wordy here, and this reads as a verrrry long sentence, see if you can split it up!)
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