Hello! I wanted other opinions on my personal statement to see if I followed the prompt given, my statement was compelling and unique, and to cut down the length as I am a little over 300 words. My major is very competitive so this statement must be unique and impactful!
The Personal Statement is an opportunity for you to describe yourself and why you are applying to the desired program. Describe how a degree in this program fits into your future plans and career goals. Use evidence such as complete course work, professional experiences or volunteer activities. Limit the response to 300 words or less
physically and mentally sound human being
The mind and body are two of the most powerful tools we have available, but their potential is rarely appreciated; I am guilty of the latter. In high school I worked out almost every day. I was skinny and felt physically sound. I thought I was the picture of perfect health, but I would mentally degrade myself and cause emotional, sometimes physical pain if I was not perfect. I developed a bad relationship with food because I did not know how to handle it. Sophomore year of college I began to research different diets, their effects, and the roles they played in one's health. My self-esteem began to rise as I understood the food I was putting into my body and how it would be processed. I craved dietary information and its impacts so much I had to make my passion a career. I needed to enlighten others on the impacts of a healthy diet. My desired focus as a dietitian recently came into light due to my association with Project Heal; an organization that raises money for men and women to receive treatment for their eating disorder. Members tell stories of their struggles with food, fear of looking at their bodies in the mirror, and their self-loathing. As a dietitian I want to provide individuals with accurate and healthy information on how to handle their diets along with mental support to increase self-esteem and create a successful transformation into an overall healthy individual. My present goal is to be admitted into the Medical Dietetics program and educate individuals to the best of my ability on how to view themselves positively and lead a healthy lifestyle. I plan to do this through friends or a social media platform based on knowledge I have gained from research as well as nutrition and science related courses. Ultimately, I would like to open my own practice to promote and educate not only on healthy eating habits, but on a healthy mind. I want a practice that promotes overall health of the body and mind because a person is not truly healthy unless they are both physically and mentally sound.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,223 4319
Danielle, you should reformat the content of paragraph one in order to bring down your word count and also, create a more enlightening opening statement that can interest the reader / reviewer. If I were to revise your first few sentences in order to make it more impressive or informative, I would have said something like:
When I was younger, I followed diet fads, mostly because I did not realize that the health of mind and body are singular in terms of overall health. Each time I looked in the mirror, My brain saw a skinny kid, the result of constant exercising and dieting. If I gained even an ounce of weight, I would physically and mentally berate myself for failing. I saw food as my enemy because in my mind, eating meant weight gain.
Then attach the rest of the sentences in the paragraph. That would work better. Then start a new paragraph to present the events that happened to you during your 2nd year in college. Your third paragraph should start with your interest in becoming a dietician because of your exposure to Project Heal. The fourth paragraph should start with your present goal. Make sure to divide the sentences into these specific paragraph topics because the reviewer needs to keep track of what you are talking about in relation to the prompt.
Your essay actually responds well to the prompt. You just need to adjust the beginning like I said in order to create a more eye-catching essay. The paper should be usable once you implement the changes I suggested.
Hi Holt, thank you for the feedback.
I am still having trouble with my first paragraph. My intention was to emphasize how I thought I was healthy because I was physically, but I was not really because I was mentally unhealthy and the fact that I did not realize overall health includes physical and mental health.
When I was younger, I followed diet fads, mostly because I did not realize that the health of the mind and body coincide in terms of overall health. Each time I looked in the mirror, my brain saw a skinny girl, the result of constant exercising and unhealthy dieting. If I gained even an ounce of weight, I would physically and mentally berate myself for failing. I saw food as my enemy because in my mind, eating meant weight gain.
Also, do you notice any other points/sentences in my statement where I could be more concise?
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,223 4319
Hi Danielle, it is my honor to have you use my revision in your paragraph. I believe that your opening statement was strengthened by its addition. If you still have available word allotment, I suggest that you expand the information about your participation in Project Heal. The reviewer needs to see how your participation helped to open your eyes to the value nutrition and the dangers of fad dieting. Connect your experience there with your desire to become a dietician. That way the experience adds to the impact of your decision. I don't suggest saying that you will use friends and social media to start your career. That statement is too uncertain in focus. Rather, say that you will kick off your career by joining Project Heal as a counselor and also, gain employment at a risk center so you can promote your health advocacy. These additions should help make your statement stronger, impressive, and more informative. If necessary, adjust other parts of the essay in order to accommodate the changes.