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Mediocre purchasing power didn't prevent best possible education for me. KGSP Personal statement


dessertfoxy 1 / -  
Sep 10, 2015   #1
Hello, I'm Carolina from Brazil and I'll compete for a scholarship.
This is my first draft to the personal statement.
English isn't my first language and even if I have an advanced domain, I'm insecure with this essay.
I hope you help me with grammar, opinions and information to add to this essay.

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Even with a common purchasing power, I always had the best study thanks to my parents that realized and believed in my abilities since I was little.

With sixteen years old, at the beginning of high school, I had a great performance in the ENEM (National High School Exam by Brazilian Ministry of Education) and I had a chance to join the UDESC (Santa Catarina State University). At that time, I could not engage in the university studies because of my young age and I had not graduated from high school yet.

Unlike my classmates, because of my active personality, I always liked to study and learn new things. Adventuring in different subjects, I learned, on my own, the English language and, despite having made some classes in arts and design departament, I often perfected and trained alone, mastering programs such as Adobe Photoshop, Sony Vegas and Corel Draw.

I was born into a technological era, so the visual artistic expressions and the Internet have always been present in my daily life and, along with my desire to draw attention of people through art, I realized my passion for the visual communication department. Despite never having been a paid and standardized professional, because I do not have a degree in design and I am not old enough to work in Brazil, I worked as a designer for some blogs and websites and I edited videos to some Youtube channels voluntarily.

Apparently, many talented designers graduated from South Korea and some of the most famous arts and design universities are also there, thus sharpened my determination to learn in Korea as well.

The opportunity to participate on the KGSP will encourage me to be more creative, living the strong influence of Korean culture, and to become a more experienced and intellectual person, contributing to my moral training and my maturity. I believe that during this program, being coached by a respected institution in Korea, will be an advantage for my future career and for my apprenticeship, thus, I will be able to contribute in the future in the labor market.
irfan727 49 / 68 29  
Sep 11, 2015   #2
ok, i'm Irfan Ardian. Your essay is very good. i just give you some corrections particularly in spelling.

Adventuring in different subjects, I learned, on my own, the English language and, despite having made some classes in arts and design departament , I often perfected and trained alone, mastering programs such as Adobe Photoshop, Sony Vegas and Corel Draw.

you should alter it with "department"

I worked as a designer for some blogs and websites and I edited videos to some Youtube channels voluntarily
i guess for writing education use "YouTube"

I will be able to contribute in the future in the labor market.
i guess will be great like this :
I will be able to contribute in the future of labour market.

Thanks
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 11, 2015   #3
Hello, I can help you with your essay.

I'm not sure what you mean when you state "common purchasing power". It sounds interesting in English, but then you state you had "the best study". You could state: I always had good grades, thanks to my parents that realized and believed in my abilities since I was little." (When you use "study" I think you mean grades). Begin your next sentence with: "When I was sixteen years old..." Delete these words and replace them: engage in the university studies "study at the university".

Here are some more words that are similar to active that you could use to describe your personality: lively, energetic, etc.

You could replace adventuring. Ex: "Since I was curious about different subjects, I learned, on my own, the English language." The next sentence: "Despite taking some classes in art and design,..."

The next sentence you can make three corrections:
1) Delete "the" after the word life.
2) "draw the attention"
3) Place a period after art.

You can delete some words: "paid professional".

After you discuss editing videos, you need another sentence to explain how you became interested in South Korea. How did you learn about the designers in Korea. Ex: When I was a designer, I learned from browsing other channels that many talented designers..." I made this sentence to show you that as a reader, I would understand how you became interested in Korea. These details need to be added at the beginning of the sentence rather than using "Apparently". "This strengthened my determination to learn in Korea."

Last paragraph: Separate your sentences. Here are some corrections for your first sentence: live, and to , place a period after person. "This will contribute to my moral training and my maturity." When you join two sentences you need a semicolon: "...apprenticeship; thus, I will be able to contribute to the future in the labor market."

There was some good word choices in English. I hope this helps!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 16, 2015   #4
- I always had the best studyeducation thanks...

- WithAs sixteen years old, at the beginning of high school,
- ..I could not engageenroll in the university studies..
- because of myI was young age and...

- Adventuring inTaking adventure from different subjects,
- I learned, on my own, the English language on my own and,

- ...present in my daily life and,( no need to put a comma right next to the word "and" because "and" serves as the end of your illustration) along..

- Despite never having been a paid andas a standardized professional,
- because I do not have adue to not having a degree in..

- ...thusthis sharpened my determination...
- ...to learnstudy in Korea as well.
- ...living with the strong influence of Korean culture,

The remarks above are quiet a lot due to the fact that the input of your words in the sentences needs a little bit of work, however there's always a room for improvement and practice writing will help you a lot.


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