I just want to know if my essay below suits the prompt and whether it has grammatical mistakes or not. Thank you, guys.
Indonesia just lost its college freshman for one more time, following so many cases that had happened. Freshmen were beaten, humiliated and treated inhumanely by their seniors. The students were frightened. They just knew that nothing was worth fighting for. Every letter to Ministry of Education will be hardly to read and every protest to university will be a future rejection; all they got was nothing but fear.
On laundry room's seat was me with my laptop, writing 'those letters'. I got no fear about the rejection letters, no restlessness for the Ministry of Education, and even too many guts to start an op-ed for newspapers.
Here was the solution I wrote: "How to Resolve Two Indonesian's Major Problems At Once: Violence and Environment". Many people might think that my suggestion was too odd, but I told them what the things they could simply do to solve this violence and the environmental issues at once. My recommendation was "one freshman plants one tree". I clicked the 'send' button and my e-mails were read by Ministry of Education, over a hundred PRs of universities to which I sent the letter, newspaper editors, and some Indians who I also wrote for after finding out this country was facing the same thing. I might be too naïve, but I did what I should do. The reply about forwarding the email to national forum satisfied me, but the most important thing was that I had found the real meaning of my timeless work: writing.
Indonesia(a bit weird) just lost its college freshman for one more time, following so many cases that had happened. Freshmen were beaten, humiliated and treated inhumanely by their seniors. The students were frightened. They just knew that nothing was worth fighting for. Every letter to Ministry of Education will be hardly to read and every protest to university will be a future rejection; all they got was nothing but fear.
On laundry room's seat was me with my laptop , (you might want to say I sat in the laundry room with my laptop) writing 'those letters'. I got no fear about the rejection letters, no restlessness for the Ministry of Education, and even too many guts to start an op-ed for newspapers.
Here was(is) the solution I wrote: "How to Resolve Two Indonesian's Major Problems At Once: Violence and Environment". Many people might think that my suggestion was too odd, but I told them what the things they could simply do to solve this violence and the environmental issues at once. My recommendation was "one freshman plants one tree". I clicked the 'send' button and my e-mails were read by Ministry of Education, over a hundred PRs of universities to which I sent the letter, newspaper editors, and some Indians who(whom) I also wrote for after finding out this? country was facing the same thing. I might be too naïve, but I did what I should do. The reply about forwarding the email to national forum satisfied me, but the most important thing was that I had found the real meaning of my timeless work: writing.
Hello,
Seems here that you are really struggling with written English. If you are to have any chance of getting into Dartmouth, you will need to have these heavily edited. Try focusing on just one aspect that you found appalling and how you launched a writing campaign to bring attention to the issue. As you have it presented here, you do not have a well developed story. You talk about school violence and then throw in environmental aspects out of nowhere. Focus on the violence in schools and why this was of major concern to you. Talk about your feelings and how this compelled you to write. -Admissions Advice Online
Thank you for your advice, admission2012.
What about this one? I just wanted to tell that my writing was about including the environmental program in freshman matriculation.
"So what are you going to do with your writings? You want to make your readers cry? Is that all?"
"No, writing is not..."
"What is that? Tell me! Some writers move people, but today's writers tell nothing, but despair and tear."
I was bowed. The night was cold for me after losing a late-night dormitory's debate to a friend. I had also failed to defend my hobby and profession: writing.
Months passed. In the same room, words turned into fear, as the newspaper announced a new college violence case. College freshman's death happened for one more time, following so many cases that had occurred. It was cliché, but too crucial. Indonesian colleges had long history with college matriculation violence. Freshmen were beaten, humiliated and treated inhumanely by their seniors.
Not planning to be in Indonesia for my undergraduate study does not mean that I am not frightened; all students who sat in the room were. The students imagined what was going to happen to them in the first year of college, and then in a short minute, the images of their dream colleges were shattered. They were just silent, because they all knew that nothing was worth fighting for. Every letter to Ministry of Education will be hardly to read and every protest to university means a future rejection; all they got was nothing but fear.
I sat in laundry room with my laptop, writing 'those letters'. I got no fear about the rejection letters, no restlessness for the Ministry of Education, and even too many guts to write op-ed for newspapers, so why would not I?
It was 1 a.m. In turbulent spirit, I started to throw all things on the letters. My letters were not professional in the side of journalism. There were too many truths I said, which was uncommon thing to do in Indonesian's writing. My emotional paragraphs about how I had seen Indonesian educational system dropped to its lowest level served as an opening. They were followed by the paragraphs telling all possible solutions to prevent the violence in matriculation program: altering the military into more useful environmental program, changing the way seniors treating the freshmen in freshmen's camp, and persuading campus to take position in this urgent problem. Looking out the window, I finished all letters by revealing my worry to the nation.
Ended by clicking the 'send' button, my emails would be read by Ministry of Education, over a hundred PRs of universities to which I sent the letters, and newspaper editors. In addition, I also wrote to Indian institutions, where the same things happened. Within days, replies surprisingly came, and the best news was that they brought my email to national forum. It meant that the emails were not thrown into the bins.
Finally, now, I have found the answer to my friend's question.
"The thing I did with my writing was something they cannot talk using the microphones, and I am sure that it will save some lives next September."
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