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Music is a big part of my life; Stanford supp- future roommate



dnx2000 5 / 14  
Dec 24, 2012   #1
Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hi! I am currently in the middle of nowhere with a laptop, writing essays. I would love to hear any opinions and criticisms of this draft. Thanks in advance!

... ... ... ... ....

I find it quite challenging to start describing myself as it seems that I don't know myself very well either. Instead I will try to describe some of the things you might expect of me in this short note. I will probably seem to you like a mix of different passions, but I guess for a Russian who has lived his whole life in Greece, studied Chinese and met people from all over the world I am bound to be.

First of all, I would like to start with music because I honestly find it hard to start anywhere else. Music is a big part of my life. I listen to music, I play music and I make music. I have played the guitar for longer than I care to remember (I think 10 years by now) and you can expect to see me hugging my guitar quite often. Now don't worry, I am not a fanatical metalhead so your eardrums will be sound and safe, although I listen to all kinds of music and you might find some of the sounds I spawn unusual. However, if you have any interest in music you are most welcome to join in!

I will also probably try out some sort of theatrical activity in college. I've been part of my school's drama club for the past 4 years and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had the chance to act and was responsible for the music productions of our plays. This year a friend and I will represent our school for duet acting in the national speaking competition. Speaking of the speaking competition (no pun intended), I am quite a passionate speaker when it comes to events such as debating and have dedicated a lot of time to these practices as well.

You may be picturing me as an active person right now and to top that up, I'd like to throw in a few words about sports. I am nowhere close to a professional athlete but I enjoy outdoor activities. Last year I used to run 5km to the closest Aikido center for training and 5km back, and as tiring and challenging it was, it was a pleasure.

I am very keen to meet you and find out about your peculiar interests that perhaps some day we will share.

jonleenj 1 / 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #2
The main thing that stood out about this essay was it's honesty. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it flowed very well. However there just seemed to be something lacking. It could be the fact that you do not go in depth in many of your examples. Maybe even mention some things about Greece or studying Chinese because I felt like you left us hanging there.

Some other things you might want to fix include:

sound and safe ---> safe and sound (just me being word picky)
and to top that up ---> top that off (again, just me being word picky).

Hope that helped. If you could PLEASE read my own essay to Carnegie, I would much appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much!
essayforum.com/undergraduate-essays-2/choose-carnegie-carnegie-essay-4 5979/
OP dnx2000 5 / 14  
Dec 24, 2012   #3
Thanks! I appreciate the small details you corrected.
I would love to talk about some of these examples in more detail but I am at the very word limit. Perhaps you can see some phrases that are quite unnecessary. I know I have a few but I left those because of the flow. Now I'm not sure which would be more important, the style or content in this case.

Thanks again, I'll definitely read your essay.
jonleenj 1 / 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #4
I reviewed this again and found a few things that could help you get some more words if you need:

I will probably seem to you like a mix of different passions, but I am bound to be as a Russian who has lived his whole life in Greece, studied Chinese and met people from all over the world

I listen to music, I play music and I make music. --> I listen to, play, and make music.

Overall, I still think this is a good essay that allows the reader to get a good feel of who you are. Thank you again for previously reading my Carnegie essay. I'll take a look at your other essay when I get a chance!


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