this is the essay for uc prompt 2. i need someone to look over it for any grammar mistakes and overall complete-ness of the essay. also, does the conclusion sound too much like what prompt 1 is asking for? thank you for looking over my essay.
Music is discipline. The beat keeps the notes together; the tempo keeps the pace of the music; the notes, if played correctly, keeps the melody alive. A disorder of any one of these elements will destroy the beauty of music all together. I have been classically trained on the piano since the age of six. Four years later, I picked the flute as my second instrument, one of many that were offered at James Monroe Elementary. From then on, I enrolled in music class every year of my high school education. Together, piano and flute combined create the person I am today.
When I entered the Castro Valley High School Symphonic Band as a freshman, I only knew the technical aspects of music, noting the similarities and difference of both two instruments. Contrary to the typical classical Chopin and Beethoven pieces for the piano music proved the flute provided a modern and contemporary, although both required a deep concentration of rhythm, tempo, and melody. Entering a class with a majority of upperclassmen (older students) on the very first day of high school, I was expected to audition for seating arrangement in front of everyone. Nerves got the best of me, placing me in the embarrassing last chair. I vowed never to feel as unprepared and humiliated as I did that day, so I began practicing both flute and piano to perfect my musicianship.
During that year, I spent most of my time trying to earn the older students' respect by practicing whenever I could in my spare time. My performing skills improved, every time the band played, I played loud and clear to stand out so that my peers could recognize my improvement. They just resented me, however, for ruining the complete fusion of sound music should have from a band. I came to realize that perfecting my individual skill was not the difficult part; blending into the music and working with everyone to create music proved the most difficult. Once I grasped this idea, I understood how much ties everything together. The hard work and discipline have paid off because I am now principal flutist in the Castro Valley High Symphonic Band.
Being a senior and a head principal comes with the precedent that you must possess leadership skills, be musically talented, and be a role model your section. I, myself as a principal musician, set a personal goal to be an example for my section of twelve flautists, teaching the incoming freshmen the rules of the Castro Valley High Symphonic Band, and improving the skills of those of who have been here for a while. Of course, all principals of their respective sections, such as the clarinet section or the trumpet section, have all these qualities. Because I am the only principal to have been placed in the last chair of the section, I am able to provide and help my section in ways the other principals cannot. This puts me on a level my section can understand and relate to more. I am able to show them that nothing is impossible; in fact, it is the process of learning and discovering that allows everyone to reach the possible.
Becoming a principal flutist was not an overnight success; it took all four years of my high school career to achieve the prestigious title. Achieving this title has, in a way, grounded me from all of the factors that come along with being a regular high-schooler, ranging from peer pressure to socializing with friends to final exams. In addition to inspiring others to accomplish their goals that seem out of reach, music gave me the ability to set goals and accomplish them, --persevere and learn from any experience, and the desire to mentor beginning musicians to appreciate the beauty of music. Music is the discipline that has become my backbone that keeps me motivated and goal-oriented. Walking into the real world seem less scary since music is everywhere around us.
Good evening :)
I am not familiar with this university's prompts; since you didn't include the prompt for this piece, I made some general comments. Also, as I am unfamiliar with their admissions process, I do not know what prompt #2 is, so I'm afraid I cannot tell you whether or not it would fit that prompt better. Hopefully someone else on this site who is more familiar with this institution can assist you with that.
"...the notes, if played correctly, keep the melody alive."
"My performing skills improved; every time the band played, I played loud..."
"...that you must possess..." Avoid the pronouns "you" and "your" in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.
"...and be a role model toyour section."
"I myself, as a principal musician, set a personal goal to be an example for my section of twelve flautists, teaching the incoming freshmen the rules of the Castro Valley High Symphonic Band (Remove comma) and improving the skills of those of who have been here for a while. Of course, all principals of their respective sections, such as the clarinet section or the trumpet section, have all these qualities as well ."
I'm not sure the conclusion really ties the piece up all that well. It should tie up with your introduction, so you should say something about individuality disrupting the overall harmony of the group in your conclusion. I do, however, like your last sentence and suggest keeping it.
I hope this helps.
