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"THE NARRATOR?" - UC Prompts #1



twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 9, 2009   #1
Prompt 1 Describe the world you come from

no one has proof read this one yet.... thats why i need you guys =)

I have seen many people who like to judge and criticize others by their facial appearances. Yet, I do not think we truly know them unless we get to know their personalities and behaviors. One of the most obnoxious facial problems that teenagers face is acne. Often time, facial acne ruins peoples' confidences and causes physiological problems. Actually, I was no exception to this. I was in the same situation before, and I remember it was just so painful to deal with acne. In school, I showed concerns that people would judge me as a person based on my look. I was too afraid to smile and look others in the eye. With friends, I felt like an outsider whenever they ask to movies or to hang out because I would always say no because I did not want people looking at me and think I did not wash my face. I worried that staying up late would cause my skin to get worse so I would literally go to sleep at 9 p.m. every night. I remember I have literally used every acne product on the shelves but none of it helped. My family would always cheer me up and always tell me "don't let acne lower your self-esteem and throw you into depression, go out more!" I had so many problems and worries in social situations because of acne and it kept me from living my life thoroughly. I felt like a total loser. I thought to myself, I would be a totally different and happier person if I had flawless skin like my friends. Finally, I decided to go to a dermatologist. The dermatologist decided to put me on a medication called Accutane- the strongest acne medication. My facial problem actually came to an end and I have realized that acne is not a permanent problem. In addition, dermatologists play an important role in teenagers' life nowadays because 90% of teenagers have/had suffered from acne. I thought to myself if I could learn more about our skin, I could have actually cured myself and other acne sufferers. I was in the same situation before and I knew how acne could affect a person both physiologically and mentally. I believe that I must acquire more knowledge about our skin before I can actually help others, thus I hope to pursue my career in dermatology.

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My AP lit teacher proof read this.. but i want more opinions =)

Prompt 2 - Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"THE NARRATOR?" I said to myself in excitement. Will I able to handle this? If I were an actor getting ready for a performance playing the leading role, I would be happy. The anticipation of the audience and my fellow actors initiated me to walk out onto that stage. Mixed in with the excitement was a fear of failure as inescapable nerves took over. Even if I were the most passionate performer in cast, I felt the same as the rest of the cast - nervous.

Even those who claim they do not get nervous, do. No matter how hard we try, there will always be that voice in our minds questioning and doubting whether we will succeed. Fear had the power to send me out the back door, not thinking about the audience or the other actors. As the narrator, my gut filled with butterflies; I even began to sweat hysterically. What should I do? Do I stay put, paralyzed in fear for the curtain to rise, or should I run? My body stayed in a locked position and I could not think of anything. My mind was empty. What is my first line? Where am I supposed to be? Am I ready for this? Is it too late now? As the curtain rose, the spotlight fell on me, and the audience clapped. The show was ON! My feeling of fear had no option but to leave my body. Swallowing, I tasted the pungent bitterness on my throat - the sign that I was ready. I felt like I could not only pull off narrating the show, but I was now the medium of the show. Now, I just had to release my tensions and just be an excellent narrator.

When it comes to challenges, the human spirit will not fail most time. I am no exception to this. Even though I am nervous that I will embarrass myself in front of others, I push through the challenges with ambitions. I do not quit when things get hard, and I accept challenges thrown my way. Deep down, I know that I must start narrating the show and that not all this work was worth throwing away for a couple of imaginary butterflies. I think it is time to express another side of myself and really show others that I am capable of doing new things. I am glad that my teacher chose me to be the narrator for the performance because that experience helps define me as an individual with a hunger for winning. When I look back on that experience in 8th grade I hardly remember the times when my fear prevented me from achieving goals I longed for; rather, I cherish my 8th grade year as a valued gift I have used for better. Every time I am on stage, I start to remember the hardships I have gone through and realize that overcoming fear enables me to identify my talents and work with them consistently. I know that being a narrator could be challenging and maybe even devastating, - but I made it.

If life is a game, quitting will mean my life is over. The only way to get through and win is to try harder and never give up. I look back at the times I gave up, deeply regretting them every second I remember them and swear never to stop chasing after what I want. Whether it is a 5-hour SAT exam that needs to be done, or a long-term paper that needs to be finished the next day, I will not give up no matter what, until I reach my target. I will not permit myself to lose because a confident person with ambition never loses. My 8th grade performance taught me this.

Italicized = past tense ( what i thought)
normal = present ( what i think)

Thank you!!!! Please make corrections and give suggestions!! =D

Fiddysin 6 / 15  
Nov 10, 2009   #2
There are some tense issues here.

I thought to myself if I could learn more about our skin, I could cure myself and other acne sufferers. I was in the same situation before and I know how acne could affect a person both physiologically and mentally. I believe that I must acquire more knowledge about our skin before I can actually help others, thus I hope to pursue a career in dermatology.
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 10, 2009   #3
oh! sri... i read it so many times... ><"
maybe thats why i missed those

but any comments on the essays themselves???
like do they stick to the prompts or sth like that?
how do u like my essays?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 11, 2009   #4
One of the most obnoxious facial problems that teenagers face is acne.
Above, you should not call it obnoxious, because obnoxious often refers to people... instead, consider calling it... I don't know. Unpleasant? Upsetting?

Look at this:
With friends, I felt like an outsider whenever they asked me to go to movies or to hang out; I would always say no , because I did not want people looking at me and thinking I did not wash my face.

I believe that I must acquire more knowledge about our skin before I can actually help others ; thus I hope to pursue my career in dermatology.

I look back at the times I gave up, deeply regretting them every second I remember them and swearing I will never to stop chasing after what I want.
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 11, 2009   #5
thank you EF_Kevin
but how do u like my essays??
any suggestions or commentS?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 12, 2009   #6
The acne essay is great because you are "keeping it real," and writing something authentic with real emotional content.

The second essay could be a little better, I think, if instead of being so general at the end you show how determined you are by giving lots of specific details about your plan for the next few years...your goals! It is very poetic, but balance the abstract poetic parts with some specific details about "how this relates to the person you are" (i.e. a person about to begin this college program).
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 13, 2009   #7
haha... thanks for your suggestions..
but for the acne essay..
i kinda modified a little bit...
see which one you like betteR???? =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 15, 2009   #8
My face is red like a tomato and is flaky like a biscuit topping. ----> Awesome sentence!!

Separate this into a few paragraphs, and the reader's brain will not be so burdened... chop it up into a paragraph for each idea.
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 15, 2009   #9
woohoo!!! thanks =)
hahah...
so which acne story is better? 1st one or the 2nd one?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 17, 2009   #10
This new version... I can tell it is inspired. When you are inspired, you might write with poor structure but poignant sentences.

This second essay has great exchanges in dialogue, and it really captures the feelings involved.

The beginning of the first version is sort of boring and cliche "do not judge by appearances..." but the second essay starts with an exclamation! You connect with the reader. BUT do not intimidate us with this giant para to read. Split them up, and let the first para end with a sentence that conveys the meaning of the essay.

"Oh, is it? I have some, let me run to the restroom really quick," I reply, trying to conceal my emotions, and I run to the restroom as fast as I can.

I think the 2nd one is better, but I think you should have less story and more exposition of your master plan -- to empower people and enhance their lives with expertise as a dermatologist. That subject deserves more attention.

Also... I don't know if I mentioned it to you already, but please consider being a contributor to this forum. You are an AP English student like I was, so you belong here, building a collection of examples of how you can help people with language. Looks good on applications and resumes, etc, and I would really appreciate the help!! You can sign up as a contributor and read a couple essays per week...:-) if you have time! youtube.com/watch?v=ruqBcmM2lCs[/url
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 17, 2009   #11
i actually divided them into paras... bt it doesn't show on here
but there are no grammatical errors or anything???

oh definitely... im willing to do that...
tobeJames 3 / 7  
Nov 17, 2009   #12
it flows better when you put it like this

"...that people would judge me as a person based on my look ." looks

also...

I believe your first essay has much potential and good intent, nevertheless, maybe you could try and separate the ideas so they are more easily understood. The ending is perfect because it sums up why the issue holds so much significance for you. Attempt to "bring it in" by potentially saying that even after you achieved better skin, you believed looks shouldn't be so consequential in people's judgements and eyes. You, however, want to become a dermatologist because it unfortunately does hold value in people's eyes (teenagers) and you would like to truncate the substantial amount of suffering people experience based on "bad skin."

Thanks for giving me input on my essay!
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 17, 2009   #13
hey tobejames
thanks for your suggestions

but when you say first essay... are you comparing the two essays ( narrator and acne) or both acne essays? bcoz i modified the acne essay a little bit and rewrote the first acne essay

sri, this might sound a little bit confusing.
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 18, 2009   #14
UC prompt # 1 describe the world you come from

"Your skin is looking better, Tsz! But did you get a bad sunburn, why is your face so red?" My friend asks. My face flushes, I think to myself, was my face look horrible before? Is this a compliment or she is implying something? My face looks just fine this morning, why is it red now? Is this one of the side effects of Accutane - the most powerful acne treatment? Awkward silence, I then reply " Oh... yea I think it is because I was out in the sun all day yesterday." I lie; I was home the day before doing homework. I am embarrassed. I understand that she is trying to help, but it is uncomfortable and I felt my face turn red. She adds, "You need some moisturizer for you face, your skin is peeling." "Oh, is it? I have some, let me run to the restroom really quick," reply in a tone of misery and run to the restroom as fast as I can. I look into the mirrors and I cannot believe what I am seeing. My face is red like a tomato and is flaky like a biscuit topping. I do not have any moisturizers with me and it is only first lunch, which means I have three more periods to go. I cannot ditch nor can I hide myself. What can I do now? Maybe I should just act normal as if nothing is wrong with my face or I should just look down for the rest of the day, that would work. The minute I walk out of the restroom, my friend comes to me and says in a nonchalant tone, "Are you okay? What happened?" "Oh yea, I am doing fine. No worries," I answer. I do not want to talk anymore, because I am too afraid to smile and to look in her eyes. I do not want her to judge me based on my look. She then asks, "Hey, Tsz, want to come to the movies and hang out with my friends and me this Sunday?" I have not been to the movies for so long, I remember last time I watched a movie with my friends was a year ago. It is a chance to meet new people too, I do not see why not. Yet, my response is, "Sorry, I have tutoring this Sunday, I don't think I can make it." I want to go really bad, but I am afraid that people will look at me and think I did not wash my face. The school bell rings, it is time to go to Biology and to "face" my classmates. Everyone in Biology is looking at me as if I have done something wrong. Maybe I am just being self-conscious, I do not know but I cannot wait until this class to be over. Time is going by exceptionally slow today, it only has been twenty minutes, yet it feels like an hour already. The last bell finally RINGS! I run to my mom's car, fasten my seatbelts, and says "Mom, let's go!" "Why are you rushing? Your skin is getting better but it is a little bit red," mom says. Silence. I do not want to reply her comment. I myself think, how can I make my face not red? I am already on acne mediation and I still cannot get flawless skin? If I could learn more about the formation and structures of our skin, I could cure myself as well as others who are in the same spot. I want to know the causes and effects of acne. How do I do that? I first have to acquire more knowledge about our skin so that I can prevent any skin diseases. Moreover, dermatologists play an important role in teenagers' life nowadays because 90% of teenagers have/had suffered from acne. Thus, I hope to pursue my career as a dermatologist.

suggestions and comments please :D
and most importantly, grammar!!!
thank you
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 19, 2009   #15
Awkward silence followed, and then I replied, "Oh... yea I think it is because I was out in the sun all day yesterday."

Don't switch verb tenses:
I lied ; I was home the day before doing homework.

Oh, wait a minute, much of this is written in the present verb tense. I like that. My mistake... keep it the way it is.

I really like the way you were able to write it all in the present tense, and it creates a virtual reality experience for the reader.
OP twchan 3 / 15  
Nov 19, 2009   #16
hahahaa...

you got me EF-Kevin!!! :D


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