I only have time for a few comments, but let me getting you started ...
the birth flaxen
This is kind of an odd description. "Flaxen" is a plant that is used in the making a linen. It can also be the color of linen, but it generally isn't something that we would use to describe a person--their hair maybe, but not a person.
wrong customs
Again, "wrong customs" would not generally be used here. You could say, ill-conceived customs, dangerous customs, backward-thinking customs ...
a mild "hydrocephalus".
I don't know why this word is in quotes. Generally speaking, you would only put a words in quotes if a) it is a quote b) you are talking about a words ... "Recalcitrant" is my favorite word, or c) if you intend it to mean the opposite of what is being said ... she said that she was going to Hawaii for "work." If the word is a foreign word that is not commonly understood in English or if you want to give it special emphasis, you can italicize the word ... I
really love tacos and
mate cocida (I didn't italicize the word "tacos" because it is readily understood in American English). In the case of "hydrocephalus," I wouldn't put it in quotation marks. Even though it is a technical term, it doesn't fit the criteria. AND ... in American English, the punctuation goes inside of the quotation marks while in British English it goes on the outside. When applying to American universities, I'd stick to the American conventions and put the punctuation inside of the quotation marks if the issue comes up elsewhere.
As explained to me by the nurse of the rural clinic where I volunteered.
This is a fragment.
It is when the lubricating fluid of the brain has refused to circulate and has become concentrated in one side of the brain, causing swelling of the affected part.
You don't really need this level of detail in a college-application essay. The word count is tight--use it to sell yourself instead of educating the committee.
the village's unqualified health assistance.
People in the U.S. aren't going to know what this means. You might want to use different words that would better convey your meaning to someone in the States. Is the person a healer? Is it a clinic with unqualified staff? Does it have more to do with the level of care available (lacking the facilities at the local level for things like brain surgery)?
She incised the affected part, making the brain to bleed profusely and thereafter leading to the baby's death.
This sentence is a little long and clunky. Try something like: She incised the brain causing profuse bleeding that led to the baby's death.