'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago?

this is a very very ROUGH rough draft of the UChicago supplement. I'm not too satisfied with it and I think it could be a LOT better. so, please be harsh!! =)

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.(1-2 paragraphs)

I have transformed from a non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant in 2000 to now, nearly a graduate of one of the top high schools in the United States with high honors. I have overcome many challenges and accomplished great tasks along the way, such as mastering the English language. However, my accomplishments do not stop here. The adversities I have beaten and going through the High School of Health Professions have borne in me a great determination to accomplish my goal of becoming a physician. I will continue to push myself to excel in my education and live up to my high expectations. For this reason, I strive to be in an environment with students as motivated and even more motivated than I am and professors who are passionate about what they teach; that is where the University of Chicago comes in.

The University of Chicago is without a doubt one of the most renowned and highly rated institutions for research and academic work and very unique in its teaching techniques. As a student who seeks to broaden her horizons in a variety of subjects[/3], I believe the University's Common Core would allow me to gain from a wide range of academics. My attitude towards education, similar to the University's, is that students benefit the most when they learn the tools of inquiry rather than learning facts. In addition, through the Socratic method of teaching, the University of Chicago promotes the exchange of ideas in a communal and creative atmosphere. This method, unlike instruction through lectures, relates to the style in which I learn best. My wish is to become a successful Physician and move back to my home country, and Chicago will grant me the opportunity to enhance my ability in science in order to facilitate my dream. With the abundance of study abroad programs and dozens of research centers, such as the Argonne National Laboratory, I am certain that the University of Chicago has the tools to assist me in pursuing my goal. I hope to contribute to the Chicago community as well as benefit from the many attributes it has to offer.

hi. overall i think you wrote a great essay.

i would consider changing this phrase:
"near-graduating from one of the top high schools in the nation" to "attending one of the top high schools in the nation"

if u hav an intended major, say how UChicago will help you succeed in that major. If you don't, discuss how you think UChicago will help you find a major that suits your interests.

thank you! that helps a lot=)

So i revised the essay some more. please tell me what you think & how i can improve!!
all suggestions are greatly appreciated! =)

i really need feedback and its due really soon!
please suggest anything.
thanks =)

Actually this revised version sounds really good! You've definitely researched the school, you know exactly why you want to be there, and you sound prepared.

This part: The adversities I have conquered and going through the School of Health Professions have borne in me a great determination to accomplish my goal of becoming a physician.

What's the school of healther professions? As long as the admissions rep knows what you're talking about, then fine, but yeah, is that part of UChicago? or your current school?

the school of health professions is my current school. i'll reword it as high school for health professions to make it more clear.

thank you for your input! =)

The first sentence sounds awkward. I would rephrase.
ex) Nine years ago, I was a Ehtiopian emigrant struggling to master the English language, but now I..."

And just a general tip. I would fine one specific thing about Chicago that really makes you excited about going there and just say how that specific thing will make a huge difference. For example, perhaps there is one professor you would love to meet, or some support group or club you would love to join, or maybe it has a specific new research program that other schools do not have and you would love to be a part of. Hopefully that'll help!

the first sentence did sound kinda awkward. thank you!

as far as finding one thing to focus on...well, i don't know if I will be able to answer the prompt completely if I focus on one thing. but i will definitely take that into consideration and see how it turns out.

thanks again! =)

I meant as like one or two sentences at the end. It shows to Chicago that you did your research and are genuinely interested in the school. And your prompt uses the words "particular" and "specificity" so I'm guessing that's actually what they want.

Could you look at my Buchenwald thread again. I responded to your post and wish to hear your thoughts on certain things. Thanks again!!

so i revised this paragraph some more and i need some final feedback please! =) thank you.

(the stuff in red is what i'm unsure about. it sounds awkward to me. please suggest anything. =)

As a student who seeks to broaden her horizons in a variety of subjects , I believe the University's Common Core would allow me to gain from a wide range of academics. My attitude towards education, similar to the University's, is that students benefit the most when they learn the tools of inquiry rather than learning facts . In addition, through the Socratic method of teaching, the University of Chicago promotes the exchange of ideas in a communal and creative atmosphere. This method, unlike instruction through lectures , relates to the style in which I learn best.

I hope to contribute to the Chicago community as well as benefit from the many attributes it has to offer.

I think you should rephrase this to:
Chicago will grant me the opportunity to enhance my ability in science in order to facilitate my dream of becoming a successful Physician and move back to my home county.

You might even want to add what in Chicago will help you become a successful Physician
Overall, good essay!