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"My oldest, deepest, most entrenched memories" UC Prompt #1 response


LostAllways 1 / -  
May 11, 2010   #1
I'd really appreciate any help I can get with this response. Thank you in advance.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My oldest, deepest, most entrenched memories all seem to be fixated on one core element, an element in which my entire life is built upon; ever since childhood, I have been faced with it, and I cannot fathom, not even for a moment from then on, turning my head away from this aspect of my life. The most vivid of my earliest memories are that of my parents and grandparents making phone calls, and it was easy to distinguish these phone calls from that of any other normal one - I witnessed the same exact facial expressions and vocal tones, time and time again, encompassed first by confusion and questioning, and then disbelief and silence, finally coming to hysteria and grief, crying I could not stand to hear but was forced to endure. I would see this same reaction when my relatives would watch the news, the same emotional process that ended in grief, and the same fear I endured from seeing those who I respected most collapse before my eyes. It didn't take much discern and cunning to piece together what was going on, even from a small child, and today, here I am, still piecing together, at times with much reluctance, the cause of such grief. The most influential aspect of the world I come from is my nationality-I am Palestinian, and every step forward I've taken in my lifetime has been sustained by my pride. Every time I'm brought back to those grey but vivid moments of my life, every time I talk to my relatives back home, every time I watch the news or read up on world issues on the internet, I am reminded of my duty, my obligation to bring justice to my people to the greatest extent of my abilities.

International Law is the field of study I would like to pursue, as I feel I can make the most difference in the situation in my country today through such a career. Every single day, I read, in sheer astonishment, on the countless humanitarian laws broken in the conflict between the Palestinians and Israelis today, and what's more shocking is the powerlessness of such organizations as the United Nations, who directly and boldly condemn the actions of those in conflict to no avail - not only in the Palestine/Israel conflict has this happened, but in countless others, such as the ongoing tragedies in Darfur, Congo, and Uganda, among countless others. The media and the world are so swift to turn their heads on such issues, and the brief news spotlights they receive do not do them justice. I cannot do more than attempt, by going into International Law, to try to bring to the attention of the indifferent world these issues. Unfortunately, there will never be a shortage of conflicts in humanity to drive me to pursue justice, and though I wish it so, realistically, I do not envision Palestine and Israel holding hands any time soon, and a life's energy consumed by attempting to bring justice to the victims of this conflict, even if never solved, is without any doubt in my mind a life well lived.
jen50192 4 / 37  
May 12, 2010   #2
You can definitely expand on what YOU do.
Talk more about yourself and what you have done, experienced, and learned throughout the years. Don't talk so much about what's going on in the countries because that doesn't really tell anything about you yourself as a person. Since the personal statement is the only chance for admission officers to see beyond your "numbers," it is for you to show who you really are and what you are truly interested in.

You can narrow down the things you're talking about by focusing on a specific event that was significant in your life.
Do a brainstorm:
Why international law? What events helped you decide to take on this field? Who influenced you? Do you have any experience?

Another suggestion is that your sentences is a bit wordy and lengthy.
Try cutting them and using more periods because a reader can get lost in all of the commas!

Goodluck!! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 14, 2010   #3
...and I cannot fathom, not even for a moment, from then on, turning my head away from this aspect of my life. ------- yes, but what would it mean to turn your head away? I think the buildup at the start should be a little shorter, and you should get to the point a little sooner.

Oh, I see that it gets very powerful!
...and it was easy to distinguish these phone calls from that of any other normal one - I witnessed the same exact facial expressions and vocal tones, time and time again, encompassed first by confusion and questioning, and then disbelief and silence, finally coming to hysteria and grief, crying I could not stand to hear but was forced to endure.

(new paragraph)
This behavior meant _______ (make sure the reader knows what you are talking about). I would see this...

The media and the world are so swift to turn their heads on such issues, and the brief news spotlights they receive do not do them justice. --- excellent sentence!

This essay is a real success, very awesome.


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