"I opened up little by little" - Describe the world you come from

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I've been having such a hard time writing this thing, Im really a very bad writer so any good ideas would help, I havent finished this, Do you think it is going downhill towards the end. i got stuck and coulndnt find a way to clearly get my point across. ugh im so frusterated right now. any help would be greatly appreciated

I undoubtedly believe that the struggles and obstacles I have been faced with throughout my years have only made me a stronger, wiser, and more compassionate human being. Everyone goes through and experiences things in life that shapes the person they are. I realize how much I've grown and changed over the years, not only physically, but mentally aswell.

I never considered the world I came from to be near as important as the world I was headed for. Now, as college approaches so quickly, I can see how wrong I was, how defined I am by the environment that surrounds me.

I come from, what I see as, a pretty "normal" family. My parents went through their stage of seperation quite a few times, although I accepted and was content with the fact that they were not happy with one another, i'd be lying if I said it didnt have some sort of negative effect on me. I didn't quite notice it at first, but as the years progressed, I noticed myself becoming more and more distant and introverted. Which, in my eyes wasn't all a bad thing, It gave my creative side a burst. I started writing and painting, and found solace in doing so. It wasn't until my 9th grade year I had noticed I slipped into quite a deep depression that no person ever deserves to experience. It was a critical time in my life, and i just couldn't seem to push it aside, it seemed like years I was stuck in this angry disposition.

June 16, 2006. My parents woke me and my sister up very early and said we were going horseback riding in Utah, it was a long night before that, and I was in no mood whatsoever to go spend time with my family. I was so tired, and so exhausted that I just rolled out of bed and went with the flow. We got in the car and started driving, my sister was sitting to the left of me, with her face buried in the pillow crying. I figured she just didn't wanna go, So I buried my head into my pillow, put my headphones in my ears, and drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, we were at our "destination". A woman named Lisa came outside of the building we were parked in front of and instantly wrapped her arms around me with a big hug. It was right then and there that I realized the real purpose of our trip to Utah. I walked inside the building to see thirty teenage girls sitting on the couch. Tears flooded down my face, and they didn't stop for another couple hours. After the whole tour, and an explanation of what my next 7 months ahead of me intailed, my parents left with only a few words, and those were "we just want the best for you."

the first month was the hardest, I was still dealing with being ripped apart from my friends and family without any reguard. It was long days of therapy, group therapy, and school, after pushing all of my efforts into the school aspect of the program, i realized how great i was doing, and it motivated me to push harder in the other aspects of my life. I opened up little by little, surpressed feelings were finally surfacing, and it felt good.

I don't mean to patronize you, but do you have spellcheck? There are several words that are spelled incorrectly that a pass through spellcheck would catch.

The essay starts out slow. The first paragraph is pretty generic and doesn't give a lot of insight into your personality or your background.

The meat of the essay could use a little polishing and organization, but the story is engaging and valid. I'd like to see you show a little more through anecdotes ("showing" instead of "telling" the reader). How long was the drive? Was the schedule at the ranch grueling? Did it take a while for you to open up? What did you learn--about life, yourself, others? Were there horses? Are you over your depression? Would you be able to recognize another onset and seek intervention early on? How did you feel--the highs and lows? You might want to start this paragraph with a "hook," sometimes to immediately draw the reader in. Maybe something like: "We just want the best for you," my parents said when they enrolled me in a treatment program. I couldn't see how being separated from my friends, my family, and my world could be the best thing for me.

Next, consider the purpose of the essay. This is for college admissions. It is okay that you hit this bump in the road, but you need to be able to show some redemption. You need to show that you have learned from your experience and are a better person for it. Let the admission staff see you as someone who will be successful on their campus. The prompt asks you how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. Don't forget to address that part of the prompt as well.

At the moment, this essay doesn't really say anything particularly good about you, which immediately makes it a poor admissions essay. Start, then, by asking yourself what you want the essay to say about you. Do you want to show that you are determined? Resilient? Intellectually curious? Then, revise the essay to show this quality through a narrative anecdote. The one you have could potentially work very well for "resilient," if you discuss what you learned from the experience. Just remember that, as Noto says, you must write it in such a way as to demonstrate the experience's influence on your dreams and aspirations.

Thanks you guys, your help is very appreciated

NOTOMAN: sorry about the spellcheck it will be revised at the end, but for right now im rough drafting the paper. also

could you explain to me what you mean a little more about show the reader instead tell the reader, i have a hard time writing in that way i suppose.

seriously guys thanks so much this is very important so your critique is only appreciated!

Telling: "I am a very compassionate guy."

Showing: "As I walked down the street, I couldn't help noticing the homeless man sitting on the street corner. He was wearing an old brown t-shirt, torn and ragged, and ripped blue jeans. How cold he must be in the November wind, I thought to myself, as he shivered violently. As I passed by, I stopped impulsively and took off my jacket. 'Here,' I said, thrusting it towards him. 'Take this."

Note that even a very rough first-draft example of showing is so very much more interesting than telling.

Thanks i understand now... any idead on how i should reopen the essay, seeing as how it is boring and generic..

Sure. Start here.

Describe the world you come from and how it has shaped the person you are

Heres my essay, any advice is greatly appreciated. Im wondering if the essay itself really flows well... What do you think. Any changes I should make? Also im not very great in the vocabulary department either so if you have any words you think would work better or impress the admissions people more let me know!

Honestly, I never considered the world I came from to be near as important as the world I was headed for. Now, as college approaches so quickly, I see how wrong I was, how defined I am by the environment that surrounds me.

SEE ABOVE

Honestly, I have never considered that the world I come from is as nearly important as the world I am headed for. As college approaches so quickly, I now see how wrong I was and how defined I am by the environment that surrounds me.

I was born and raised in Las Vegas, Nevada. A city filled with big casino buildings and pretty lights. I have always been able to look up and see those (What mountains?) mountains run across the horizon. Vivid white lights that beam from the top of the Luxor Casino. [Sentence fragment]

***You have grammar mistakes in the rest of the essay. Vary your sentence structure for there seems to be too many commas.

I will work on it, how should i rewrite the vivid white lights that beam from the top of the luxor casino.

are you sure the first sentence is correct written that way because it sounds strange to me.

Please I need more advice everyone

I need help with the ending of my UC admission essay and also some feedback

I cant get the ending of my essay to sound right everything I put, it seems to just sounds really choppy and not transition well.

Also, any advice for the essay itself? im wondering if i addressed the prompt well and if it is exciting enough to the admission readers..

Prompt: describe the world you come from, your family and community and tell us how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations

Honestly, I had never considered the world I came from to be nearly as important as the world I was headed for. Now, as college approaches so quickly, I see how wrong I actually was and how defined I am by the environment that surrounds me.

I was born and raised in Las Vegas, Nevada. A city filled with big casino buildings and pretty lights. I have always been able to look up and see the mountains run across the horizon and the vivid white lights beaming from the top of the Luxor Casino.

For some, this is a spunky, fast paced, glamorous town where people come to let loose and go crazy. For others, it is a town of despair, poverty, and many awful addictions. On my way to work every day, I pass by a line of homeless people that stretches almost 2 miles long. It isn't a line in which they wait for food, nor is it a line that they wait for shelter. It is just a line. A place of gathering you could say. But this is, as I said, just the way it is for some.

For me, this is home. It is an amazing place and I am particularly fond of my place in it. My time is mainly appropriated between softball and school. I began playing softball when I was only ten years old. My first tryouts I cried the whole way through. I didn't catch a single ball and thought myself a failure. Luckily, My father, who had always pushed me to try harder and be stronger, and my mother who was comforting and taught me to never give up on my dreams, were there as my support system. Needless to say, they encouraged me to keep playing and at around age fifteen I become known as one of the most intimidating catchers in the Northwest travel league. I look back now and realize how many tremendous things I have accomplished through playing. It fulfilled me with a sense of pride I now retain everyday as a person. I now assist in coaching for a team called "The Pink Panthers", a group of remarkable little softball playing girls that I have had the privilege of standing as a role model for. I see my main purpose as to make sure everyone one of these kids knows just how remarkable they and every person standing around them are.

Aside from softball, the other half of my world is an intellectual passion for science, as well as literature. I see beauty in thoughts and words, and find solace in writing and painting. Since I can remember I have always wanted to be a Marine Biologist. A pretty high ambition to have, being as young as I was, don't you think? While most kids were watching cartoons on the Disney channel, I was watching "The Blue Planet: Seas of Life" on Discovery channel, I also had an incredible Biology teacher who, I can say is an enormous driving force for my entrance into the field of Aquatic Science, and I admire her without end.

Like many readers, when I see the word "honestly," I expect that the person is about to lie to me. Cut this.


Not at all! Young people routinely pronounce that they will be doctors, lawyers, astronauts, and presidents. Marine biologist is much more sensible. Cut this self-consciously precious sentence, as it makes you seem egotistical.

I can see what you mean about the conclusion: You don't have one. What you need to do is to summarize the main points of what you have just written, stating clearly how these make you a good candidate for UC.

Thankyou, i will definately work on that, any other advice is greatly appreciated.

I think the main problem here is that you haven't quite addressed the prompt. You started out well by describing Las Vegas, but you haven't talked about how being a Las Vegas native has shaped you. I'm just guessing, but you might say something about having a hard time finding a soft ball field, or finding something peaceful to hang on to in the middle of chaos through literature. Or talk about how you became interested in marine bio in Las Vegas- that would be interesting.

Cut "Honestly," as Simone said, and the sentence about the incredible Bio teacher. Among the major pitfalls that UC lists on their essay advice site is talking about a more inspirational person, and this phrasing is fairly similar. Otherwise, tell us why the teacher is incredible, don't just state it. Also cut "It is an amazing place and I am particularly fond of my place in it"; it is a bit simplistic and cliche-y. I get the impression that you're trying to transition from Las Vegas life to your own life, which leads me to my next suggestion-

-Try to cut topics. You discuss quite a few, making your essay more factual ("this happened and this happened") than expressive ("I felt like this because of this"). Some things also have no apparent connection, like the homeless line. I thought this was interesting, but it doesn't relate or shape your life- or if it does/did, talk about that! I bet that would be a really cool essay.

I'd suggest you focus on how Las Vegas has shaped your sports career, how you developed through your environment, and how you now help shape the environments of others by coaching.

Hope that helps and good luck!

ughhhh.. i am so frusterated with writing this essay.. i really appreciate all of your guys' help, but i feel like anything i write i put way too much thought into and it doesnt flow.. maybe i just dont have an exciting life story but i feel as if i have nothing to write about that attracts the reader, ugh this is so frusterating...

Are you kidding? You're a city kid, you have passions for learning from the world and relating your lessons to younger generations, and you're going into a field full of discovery. If you're applying to UCs, you're an academic too. You're a diverse person.

You found exactly what was off though, which I didn't get, and which makes everything so much easier! You're just thinking too hard! I know that sounds weird, but you're thinking too hard about the prompt and how to get your entire life into it, when you don't have to. Your interests will all go on the application anyway, so talk about whatever you want to talk about. Whatever is biggest in your life- not every detail like who your bio teacher is. And how your environment shaped it.

Assuming you're an out of state applicant, you definitely need to talk about your out of state experience, so start the same way you did- by describing Las Vegas. Then branch out by talking about how being raised in the city affected you. Imagine growing up in a completely different tiny little town, and figure out what would be different. You would never have... (fill in the blank). You would not know that... (blank) You would not be an (adjective) person because... (blank).

And then go. Again, I suggest talking about why Las Vegas made you interested in marine bio or your experience with softball in Las Vegas, since the first topic is directly related to your college experience and the latter seems to be a big part of your life with lots that you can talk about.

Good luck!

Thanks, that was really inspiring! And yes, I am thinking too hard, i am so stressed about getting into Ucsb and I dont have much time to write two great essays. but thankyou for all of your insightful advice.