"the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice." - FSU Admissions Essay

Prompt:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Essay:
My family mores have always kept me grounded. My parents have taught me that good character is key in every aspect of life, kept a good head on my shoulders, helped me to succeed, and have raised me to be confident, believe in what I love, and think my own thoughts. I grew up with the common saying "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you", learning to treat people the way I would like to be treated, make good use of the time I have, and to conduct good character, and positive intelligence among other morals.

My family is quite diverse, which gives me a sense of multiplicity. On my father's side, I am French, Dutch, Scottish, Aruban, and Grenadian. Although on my mother's side of the family, I am Jamaican, German, and English, we mainly focus on Jamaican culture in our household. The Jamaican culture abides by strong faith. We believe, think, and act in a way that is different from other cultures. The music we create is an innovative way for Jamaicans to tell stories of hope, redemption, virtues, and of our Christian Faith based on the teachings found in the Old and New Testaments, particularly the Book of Revelations. Religion is a very important aspect in the Jamaican life.

In addition, I have dreamt about becoming a Super-Model from the first time I picked up Vogue Magazine in October of 2005. The modeling business is a tough business to progress in, and competition is extremely dense, and cutthroat. Despite all this, I know that I have the persistence, perseverance, and strength to make it to the top. Through my modeling experiences, I have become more persistent towards my goals, and the knowing that I can achieve anything I set my mind to.

Furthermore, I have a strong love and compassion for learning and experiencing anything new and different. I am definitely looking forward to learning about new subjects, and I forming my own opinions about these subjects, and hearing what others take from the information. Although the classes offered at my school have not given me the chance to grow within the programs I would like to, I know that Florida State University will provide the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice.

You might want to add something to that first paragraph...something to grab the attention. Wrrite something that one might not expect to see, maybe an interesting take on the "Vires, Artes, Mores" concepts. I don't know if the best way to start is by saying your family taught good values, etc -- it is always god to start by entertaining the reader with something rhythmic or unexpected.

Religion is a very important aspect of Jamaican life.

I think you need to do a little more work on this, because you don't talk about the three virtues. Sorry! It is a great essay, and it lets the reader get to know you. BUT, it is important to write an essay about those virtues. So... in light of this person you describe, how can you describe your plans for the future in terms of those three virtues?

:)

good luck!!

Thanks for your input! I think my essay could be better but wasn't sure how, so thanks for clearing it up for me (:

EF Kevin made some really good points. it would be good to go by those.

I understand about the religion part, and don't have a problem with it except when you mention Revelation. A lot of non-Christian and more liberal Christians have deep issues with that. it has an evangelical flavor that some find frightening or limiting. Remember who you are writing this for. They are not going to be all Christian, likely. So you may not wish to mention it so specifically.

I really don't think you want to phrase it quite that way. Too many people will be quick to agree that the competition in the modeling business is always extremely dense. Perhaps "intense" might serve you better?

Also, be careful with the religious references. Be aware that they are as likely to harm as to help your chances of admission unless you are applying to a specifically religious university. I don't know what your intended major is, either. I'm not sure if modeling is actually a subject area at FSU. If not, what are you planning to study? It makes a difference.

I want to major in Film Production. A friend of mine told me that adding my modeling experience in the essay would help express to them that i am determined and persistent.

You'll need to express at some point why film production is your choice. And then you'll need to direct all of your experiences toward that. That will make your essay much more focused and coherent.

Yes, you need to talk about how your modeling experience has prepared you to major in film production. That would give you a much stronger essay.