How have your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major? If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois. Please limit your response to approximately 300 words.
I have grown up with people telling me that no matter what I do in the future, it should make me happy. But what is this happy thing all about anyway? Does it require you to meet your own needs? Or is it about focusing on the larger scheme of things?
I know passion is vital in determining happiness, because my parents became content in their careers only because they were passionate about the work they did. And after they satisfied themselves, they looked to add meaning to the world. "Fuse passion with purpose," my dad always said, "and happiness will not be far off." He encouraged me and my sister to look to our own skills and talents to figure out how we could apply them to problems that we are interested in solving, key issues in the world that we want to resolve.
I pondered this idea, and I came to the conclusion that for me to be happy, I needed to align meeting my individual interests with collective progress in the context of the world. And that is why I wish to study business at Illinois and pursue a business career. I have good communication and research skills, I interact well with people, and I am fascinated by this globalized field of monetary policies and finance, the inner workings of organizations and the tactics behind management. And at the same time, I am drawn in by the change I can impart on the world through business by creating markets in developing countries, strengthening economies and implementing ways to create a more sustainable world.
An education at Illinois's School of Business will not only make me happy but also cultivate me into the kind of business leader I want to become. What more could I ask for?
Brilliant introductory sentence. I was a bit worried by your second paragraph, as I lost interest. But you regained my attention in your third paragraph-- absolutely wonderful! Your tone truly switches towards the end of your essay, and I really enjoy the level of depth you dive into when describing why you are a perfect business applicant.
As for editing:
I think you need to change: "I needed to align meeting my individual interests with collective progress in the context of the world." This sentence is way too wordy and loses my attention... plus, I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say by using "collective progress in the context of the world"
You also need to possible change your second paragraph. It's not as analytical or interesting as the rest of your essay.
You also might want to change your last sentence. "What more could I ask for?" is somewhat cheesy, as a lot of writers use it to conclude their thoughts. I think it leaves the reader with a sense that you might just be another applicant.
Overall, you have a great rough draft! Try and make these changes. Hope this helps!