my main questions are does the essay answer the question? & is it cohesive and focused?
if you'd like me to edit yours - feel free to comment :)
PROMPT: Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest. 500 word max - it's ten words over, but that's easily fixable.
My passion for learning and science began at an early age primarily due to my hero, my grandfather. He encouraged me to embark upon curious adventures of the natural environment and to expand my imagination. With his support, I trekked upon a journey to a parallel universe where the magic of science and logic reign supreme. When I was 8 he bought me a journal for my birthday. Since then I've always loved keeping that bit of natural magic to myself in the form of a journal. Beyond observation, I loved to draw and record my findings so they may forever dwell within my grasp. Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, he has passed on. But his appreciation and encouragement for my knowledge exploration still lingers.
My fascination with science has never left me. Just this past, summer I was involved in a pharmacokinetic research project with my mentor Dr. Andurkar. Upon our quest to patent yet another anticonvulsant drug for epileptic patients, the same sensation of childhood enchantment again resurfaced. I have ventured far beyond my elementary school comprehension. Instead of watching the television, now I'm actually employing the concepts of gravity and body systems in calculations and studies alongside graduate students to find out truly which drug delivery mechanism to employ for the developmental amino anticonvulsant.
To develop a drug, one must first study the body. Needless to say after hours of peering through microscope lenses, I am simply amazed by the majesty and phenomena of what is mother nature. The perfect and specialized functions of cells, and the natural defense mechanisms of the body is simply staggering to observe. To know that I am a part of a lab team actively working with her to develop a therapeutic instrument, just makes me experience the frequent capricious thrill. The prowess of mother nature's functionality came to life: beyond my pages of recorded statistics, and beyond the pages of my observational journals.
The next step in my education is to explore colleges that can provide me with the greatest potential to continue my passions - Cornell is that institution. I have hopeful dreams to continue dabbling in the field of drug and delivery systems. Particularly I'd like to stray from epileptic studies to the field of oncology in honor of my grandfather. I imagine myself taking a class under Professor Claudia Fischbach-Teschl, utilizing her expertise in tissue-engineered model systems and cancer metastasis patterns perhaps in the future I may be a part of the revolutionary progression to find the cure for cancer.
Through my experience with Mr. Andurkar and his lab team I've learned that I relish the team atmosphere of developmental science. Moreover, as an art aficionado and a science enthusiast, I loved being able to marry my logical intuition and the artistic majesty of mother nature. I only hope to continue my scientific enchantment with the inspiration of my grandfather to bring life beyond the pages of my journal. Perhaps one day my passions will come to fruition to develop solutions that have the capacity to change peoples' lives.
Nice job Emily! It looks like an awesome essay!
Some things I would consider changing:
1) The first paragraph uses a vocab that conveys an "intense sensation" of something beyond human and then it ends with "i got a journal and wrote things down on it"; maybe kind of use more simplistic words because it looks too exaggerated
2)maybe focus more on your research with Andukar instead of with the idea presented on the initial paragraph and then develop a little bit more on "why cornell".
Other than that, awesome job connecting your ideas and conveying your passion.
If you have time, could you take a look at my essay too?
Thanks,
Raphael
Only thing is it's not clear that you want to pursue engineering as your first line mentions science and throughout your whole essay you talk about biology and drugs. I assume you want to pursue biomedical engineering or something to that extent. You should state somewhere which field of engineering you want to study. I don't think this would be too crude as you already apply technical terms throughout your essay showing your knowledge on the topics so you might as well explain what engineering you'd like to pursue so the adcoms don't think you uploaded the wrong essay (considering you don't mention "Cornell's School of Engineering" either)
PROMPT Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors ...identify one or two majors that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
As I paint, I notice my hand gripping the brush with gingerly firmness. There's a simple intricacy about the biological mechanisms beneath the skin. Bone holds the structure. Flesh delicately shapes each finger. Tiny intertwined nerves send pressure signals and receive motor impulses. The hand may seem so simple, but through the eyes of an art aficionado and a science enthusiast, it is naturally engineered brilliance.
Biomedical engineering was never a sudden realization for me. My fascination with biomedical engineering was enhanced with every news article I read about cancer advancements, every volunteer visit to the hospital's pediatric oncology department, and every research lab I conducted with my mentor Dr. Andurkar. However the most profound moment of realization came with the death of my grandfather.
He was my best friend, my art teacher, and my hero. He taught me to see the beauty that rests within nature and encouraged me to express my organic wonder through the medium of charcoal and acrylic paint. When I was 8 he bought me a journal for my birthday. Since then I've always kept at least a pen and paper close at hand to capture the spontaneous beauty of nature in order to keep that bit of biological magic within my grasp. Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, he has passed on. But his appreciation and encouragement for my art, knowledge, and exploration continue to linger.
As a student of science I can identify the health problems that distress society. As a student of art I see the opportunity to use my creativity to solve these medical quandaries.
The Johns Hopkins Whiting School of Engineering possesses endless amounts of resources and is at the forefront of the biomedical engineering research. I only hope to be a part of this great community so I can mimic the mastery of Mother Nature herself. I find inspiration in Johns Hopkins's selection of premier staff and facilities. Particularly, I'm drawn to the work of professor Kevin J. Yarema with oligosaccharides to study breast cancer cell metastasis. With the death of my grandfather, I only hope to continue trekking along the path of oncology research. Johns Hopkins University is the best vehicle for a bright-eyed student, like myself, to go one step further than basic sketching and observation to delve into the artistic practice of biomedical engineering.
I crave to extend beyond than the Darwinian model of observation and theorization because I want to create beauty. I believe biomedical engineering is my destined path because I hunger to express the factual innovation of science while maintaining the organic creativity of the fine arts. With a Blue Jay education, and the remembrance of my grandfather, I believe my individual skills can complement mother nature with the splendor of an engineered aesthetic.
A small correction:
Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, he has passed on.
Also, the paragraph:
As a student of science I can identify the health problems that distress society. As a student of art I see the opportunity to use my creativity to solve these medical quandaries.
I believe this is out of place where you have put it. It does not naturally flow at this point, so I would suggest removing it or implementing it somewhere else (not as a single paragraph)
Overall, i think this is a great essay. well done!
i would appreciate if you could read my essay on this same topic too :)
thank you very much poisonivy! I see your point it can do without that teeny-tiny 2 sentence paragraph.
I'm plan on pressing the submit button tonight - a quick read will suffice :)
Haha, you're not secretly me, are you? I really hate to mention this, but we do have a bit of similarity with our essays...
https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/cornell-eng ineering-disjointed-essay-joints-12410/Like with the focus on studying the hand, the "as a student of art/science," going beyond sketching into biomedical engineering.
I don't want to imply anything, but I am just a little worried that the adcom will think something is odd, since I'm applying to JHU's biomedical engineering program also with an edited version of my cornell essay.
I adore your writing though - this essay is beautiful like your others - and I understand if you don't see what I'm talking about the same way. (: Anyway, best of luck with your application!
I know. I remember thinking the same thing when I was reading yours! argh.
I didn't want to say anything because that was for Cornell - I've had this one written - honest! So after commenting on your other post I said a foul language to myself because of the similarities. But then I was like that's for Cornell...
but i guess that's not the case anymore gah!
this is making me really worried. because our Cornell essays will be the extremely similar as well. I don't want to be associated with unoriginality.
I will return to the word processor, to do some tweaking as I detect there is a dangerous amount of similarity there too.
Yeah, I'm kind of kicking myself. ): I did change mine a bit so I think our intros should be fine, but I'll see if I can perhaps edit some more.
I guess it's a case of great minds think eerily alike!
Ack, I knew I shouldn't have recycled my engineering essays so many times.
I notice my hand gripping the brush with gingerly firmness
Umm, this is awkward and an oxymoron. You might try something like: I notice my hand griping the brush firmly yet light enough to make artist's strokes. Or something like that.
Bone holds the structure. Flesh delicately shapes each finger.
I would combine these two sentences.
I like how you use engineered brilliance and biological magic.
I am not sure if you want to come right out and say that you will solve health problems. Might be too ambitious, might not be.
Good word usage.
Oh, don't be silly! I only wish I could write as elegantly as you do, you really have a way with words.
I think maybe you should keep your original version and just change a bit of the wording that we had in common? I don't want to force you to pick your alternate piece, and we approach it our subjects differently enough that your original should be more than okay.
It's totally up you to which you want to use, but I went through and tried to make a few edits and sentence combinations in the first two paragraphs of your other option. It's the least I could do.
Maybe a more gripping first sentence?
Ugh first sentences. Nothing is as gripping as that hand analogy is it? (pardon the pun). But, i must resist temptations to use it. I find that the hand analogy is what makes our pieces eerily similar, because the notion of coupling art and science is fairly common.
On that note, great minds think alike, and it is nice to find someone that thinks and feels the same way about art and science on the internet.
back to the word processor... poop.
Actually, I edited my essay so I didn't spend as much time talking about studying the hand, so I think it will actually be alright.
I'm really sorry for making you worry! You should definitely keep your original version. And I agree, it's kind of funny how we enjoy the same sorts of things. (:
Okay. great I changed my first essay as well. I entirely changed the hand portion to more of a focus of the face...
no need to apologize... in fact I'm sorry about making you change your essay.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm submitting tonight :)
I m acutally heartbroken. Your essay shares some stark resemblance with mine as well. :`(
I liked your essay though. The pharse "naturally engineered brillance" did attract my attention. Good!
