"physics class" - Penn Supplement- Bioengineering and Band

I want to add a 1 to 2 sentence conclusion, so if anyone knows what I could say for that, please let me know. As always, any suggestions are appreciated.

I have always been interested in math and science, but my curiosity developed into a fascination last year in physics class. I loved that every concept seemed to build on the one before it, and how they all helped me understand the world in a way I never had before. Whenever I think about my future, I always think of Bioengineering- a career that would allow me to develop this fascination with the way the world works and to apply my knowledge to a project that could help improve peoples' lives. I want to study at Penn not only because it is home to one of the strongest Bioengineering programs in the country, but also because it would give me the best opportunities to grow and develop both as an engineer and as a person.

I hope to advance my interest in engineering both in and out of the classroom. One of the major reasons why I decided to apply to Penn is the emphasis on undergraduate research. In college, I hope to participate in independent research, specifically in tissue engineering or biomechanics, to help me achieve my goal of further developing and improving the artificial kidney.

As an undergraduate at Penn, I will also actively participate in Advancing Women in Engineering and Society of Women Engineers. Since engineering is a career that students in high school, particularly girls, are not generally exposed to, I would love the opportunity to share my experiences as a Penn engineer with prospective students through AWE, and enlighten them about the opportunities for women in engineering. I want to be able to visit my high school and tell my former classmates about a rich and rewarding career, one that they might not have considered before. I will participate in outreach programs through SWE to help generate interest in the field of engineering among middle school and high school girls. I would also like to participate in the mentoring program organized by AWE and SWE so I could meet and learn from accomplished women in my chosen field.

At Penn, I would also further my interests outside of engineering, specifically music. I have been in band for seven years, and while it has been both a fun and beneficial experience, it has also been somewhat stressful, and so time consuming that I often had to sacrifice sleep in order to study and finish my homework. I want to be in the Fighting Quaker Marching Band because it combines the best parts of high school band- the camaraderie, performances, and, of course, music- without the stress or constant repetition. I love that the band's members have an active role in writing the shows, and that the shows themselves are supposed to be funny and entertaining rather than technically perfect. Being in band at Penn would give me a way to participate in something I love while keeping engineering my top priority.

This is really good. But why don't add things that you like about the Penn atmosphere: the city, the weather, the school size, the people. But other than that, it is really well organized.

Could you look at mine please?

Well, what you include depends on your strategy for motivating the reader. Every essay should be action taken to motivate the reader to action. The action might be to continue reading and get lost, as in the case of a novel, or the action may be to grant admission, as in this case.

So, let's look at the main point being made:
...a career that would allow enable me to develop ?? this fascination with the way the world works and to apply my knowledge to a project that could help improve peoples' lives. I want to study at Penn not only because it is home to one of the strongest Bioengineering programs in the country, but also because it would give me the best opportunities to grow and develop both as an engineer and as a person. Not specific enough. I looked for a message, and there was none.

You need to start with a key insight that you want to share, one that can be expressed in a single sentence.

my goal of further developing and improving the artificial kidney.---This is impressive because it is so specific. But you need another sentence in this paragraph. It should end with a sentence about an article you recently read about it, or some other thing that proves your interest.

I'm sorry it took so long for you to get some good feedback! The essay is already very impressive. I am being tough on you.

Simardeep, I saw your advice in a different thread, and it was brilliant. In this thread, I happen to disagree with your suggestion; it is not good to arpitrarily tell things the reader already knows about the school. :-) But in another thread you suggested a different sequence of sentences, and that was something I never would have thought of. :-)

Kevin, can you please help me with my GA Tech essay?

@smarty350
Your essay is incredible! even though I don't what the prompt is, I am pretty sure that your effectively answered it. You clearly state what you did and are going to do. I love your middle paragraph a lot!

Can you please help me with my GA Tech essay?

thank you!