But why don't add things that you like about the Penn atmosphere:
Well, what you include depends on your strategy for motivating the reader. Every essay should be action taken to motivate the reader to action. The action might be to continue reading and get lost, as in the case of a novel, or the action may be to grant admission, as in this case.
So, let's look at the main point being made:
...a career that would
enable me to
?? this fascination with the way the world works and to apply my knowledge to a project that could
improve peoples' lives. I want to study at Penn not only because it is home to one of the strongest Bioengineering programs in the country, but also because it would give me the best opportunities to grow and develop both as an engineer and as a person.
Not specific enough. I looked for a message, and there was none.
You need to start with a key insight that you want to share, one that can be expressed in a single sentence.
my goal of further developing and improving the artificial kidney.---This is impressive because it is so specific. But you need another sentence in this paragraph. It should end with a sentence about an article you recently read about it, or some other thing that proves your interest.
I'm sorry it took so long for you to get some good feedback! The essay is already very impressive. I am being tough on you.
Simardeep, I saw your advice in a different thread, and it was brilliant. In this thread, I happen to disagree with your suggestion; it is not good to arpitrarily tell things the reader already knows about the school. :-) But in another thread you suggested a different sequence of sentences, and that was something I never would have thought of. :-)