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'planning to transfer to Middlebury (international student)' -common app transfer



menukagrg 7 / 88  
Nov 12, 2011   #1
She drags her right hand, slowly but elegantly, holding a dot pen between her thumb and her index finger, with her other fingers weakly pointing to different directions. When she manages to write down four letters of her name, she puts down her pen, and gives away a long and heavy breath. I insist her to finish it. With an animated reluctance, she picks up her pen and intricately writes the last two letters. She looks at the squiggly word, and then beams. My mom can finally write her name, plus her last name, both in English and in Nepali. This is the proudest moment of my life, as a daughter and more importantly, as a woman. This single picture, which one might think as of a picayune importance, is indubitably the most accurate depiction of the insurmountable lives that Nepali women have endured since the birth of my country. Watching my mom glow in sheer delight makes me realize one thing; I need to transfer. I need to keep learning so that I can help other women and girls like my mom who have been deprived of their right to learn and live.

For decades, Nepali women have been the innocent victims of the sanctimonious party that has been run by lofty men who are sometimes, very sadly, accompanied by despondent women. The discrepancy between the genders, which has been one of the many disastrous consequences of the religious beliefs, provides me with all the motivation I need to keep pursuing my dream to empower women. This world, basically, is the paragon of what human beings stand for. To study the perpetual civilization of the societies around the world does not only provide us with the knowledge of what we were and who we are but also, what we can be. Therefore, by studying the subjects of Sociology, I intend to employ what I attain about the societies' mechanisms to create better ways to help the social milieu, especially in the third world countries. But this is not the only great component of this major. Not only do I get to continue exploring what has always enthralled me, I believe Sociology is also the perfect social science that will bolster my capabilities when I pursue my education further in Human Rights Studies.

When I was about twelve years old, I had witnessed a horrendous event. A haggard looking young girl, whom everybody had thought possessed, was being flogged by hot spatula, dragged around the merciless cementer floor by the Shaman. She had collapsed earlier and had been trembling violently. I knew she had seizure but I didn't tell anyone. I was mortified. While everyone was vehemently cheering for the shaman, I was pondering the reaction of the society to that abhorrent crime and thought it was ominous. But no one seemed to realize it. This was one of the major events that strengthen my fixation of examining the people around me. From very early on, I knew that there was an ongoing cycle of Hindu religion, social classes, Poverty, lack of education and superstition, which had distressing effects on women. This piqued me and so did societies in other parts of the world with their own dangerous cycles where women are sacrificed by their baneful communities. I understand that by studying these aspects with other important factors of the society, I will be able to comprehend the world at present more objectively. Taking a break from school was the wisest decision I have ever made for it gave me an opportunity to validate what I had already known. Now, I want to transfer because I want to be one step closer to my dream. I dream that there would never be a day when an innocent girl is beaten inhumanely because people's morale have been faltered due to lack of education and if such crime does keep happening, then I dream that this time I will be there to help her.

jobo 1 / 2  
Nov 13, 2011   #2
That was very well written and organized. I understand where you're trying to get at and it isn't confusing. Very well done.
coolname 1 / 3  
Nov 16, 2011   #3
I thought this essay was great.

I really like the beauty and sophistication of your vocabulary but maybe you should simplify one or two words.

Your first draft seemed pretty clear to me and your second draft clarifies things others may have been confused about
in the first draft. Your flow is on point and your passion is visible throughout the essay.

One suggestion: Maybe you should divide the last sentence into two separate sentences. I'm not great with grammar but
after reading the sentence a couple times it just didn't feel right.
OP menukagrg 7 / 88  
Nov 17, 2011   #4
Thank you for the feedback. Now that you've mentioned it, i actually think dividing the last sentence would have been so much better. It is very awkward.

Again, thank you.
ftt608 4 / 11  
Nov 17, 2011   #5
menukagrg

Just a minor point

"ongoing cycle of Hindu religion, social classes, Poverty , lack of education and superstition" do you need to capitalize poverty?
OP menukagrg 7 / 88  
Nov 18, 2011   #6
That is exactly what i was thing but for some reason when i wrote it with small "p", there was a green line so i thought it must be in Capital. I should have left it with small p. Thanks.
joschkaz - / 1  
Nov 18, 2011   #7
feels like reading a novel at first,, it's very touchy anyway


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