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"I have prepared as best as I can" - UF - Rough Draft needs editing



collegebound707 1 / -  
Sep 10, 2010   #1
Please give as much criticism as you can, all feedback is welcome. If you have an essay you'd like me to critique let me know and I would be happy to do so. Thank you

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In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

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When I was younger I knew everything, or at least I thought I did. Anytime there was a chance for me to speak up and sound smart I took it without hesitation. It would drive my parents crazy when I would argue with them over insignificant things and try to find loopholes in their rules. I didn't do it to annoy them I just wanted everyone to notice and respect me but from this experience I have learned that you don't gain respect just by knowing a bunch of random information. You earn it by being humble and letting your actions speak for themselves. I learned this valuable but often overlooked lesson in my freshman year of high school.

Throughout middle school I was able to earn A's on my report card with ease. Most of the time I did not need to take notes or study to do well on the exams. When I moved on to high school however, everything changed. Although the teachers had warned us that we would not do well in their classes without taking notes or studying I refused to listen. I continued to use the same careless habits that had worked for me in middle school. When Mrs. O'Neil, my math teacher, handed back my first test and I saw the grade, I was surprised to see that I had barely passed. I got similar grades in some of my other classes and by the end of the first quarter I felt disappointed and frustrated that I was not doing well. I came to the realization that I was not at all prepared for high school and that my old habits from middle school were not working. It was not easy and did not happen suddenly but over the next few weeks I got into the routine of taking notes and studying them before each test. Just taking a few minutes of each day and going back over the material helped me tremendously. It was that first semester of high school that humbled me and made me realize that there was more to intelligence than memorization and that if I wanted to succeed in school I needed to work hard at actually understanding the information.

For the rest of my high school career I have tried to prepare myself for the next big leap from high school to college by taking higher level courses, using my time wisely and talking to people I know that are already in college. I hope to bring to the University of Florida not only my intelligence and character but a humble appreciation for them as well. Although I believe I have prepared as best as I can for this next transition, I am sure college will find a way to surprise me. I feel confident however that from what I have learned from this experience I will be able to get through any unforeseen obstacles.

Kapayapaanify1 6 / 19  
Sep 11, 2010   #2
The point of view in your essay is very interesting, how you have transformed from a careless and flamboyant individual to a humbled and hardworking one is a colossal acheivment, but you have not shown enough passion about it in the part where you described this transition. However, you closing paragraph is quite spirited, seems like you are eager to join UF which is very good, just pump up the first part as well.

There are a few mistakes which i'm pointing out for you:

from this experience I have learned ....

it'll seem better as my experience...

of random information. You earn it by being ...

information; you earn...

Most of the time I did not need to take notes or study to do well on the exams. When I moved on to high school however, everything changed.

I did not even (for emphasis)....do well in exams. However,w hen I moved on to high school however, everything changed.

I continued to use the same careless habits that had worked for me in middle school.

I continued with my careless habbits that worked for me in middle school

and frustrated that I was not doing well

instead of "that" use "because"

succeed in school I needed to work...

....needed ...

hope my feedback helps you, would be good if you post the re-write so that we can see how much you have improved.
Take care :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Sep 12, 2010   #3
When I was younger I knew everything, or at least I thought I did. Anytime there was a chance for me to speak up and sound smart I took it without hesitation. It would drive my parents crazy when I would argue with them over insignificant things and try to find loopholes in their rules.

Nicely explained...

You earn it by being humble and letting your actions speak for themselves.

I'm impressed! You write well. You think well and write well.

This is awesome.. I hope, though, that in this or another essay you will express your intentions for the near future... what you will research, what you will accomplish... what you might make into a specialization.


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