I have received amazing edits on all my other essays I've posted here so I'm hoping for the same with this one! This is a pretty rough draft, I wrote it between the hours of 1 and 2 am (not ideal I know...)
Its for the UC prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
It's a Saturday afternoon in the Edelman household, yet it sounds more like a football game. There are at least fifteen kids of many ages running around the house, playing board games, talking, laughing or eating. To the outsider it must seem strange- there are also four adults sitting in the living room, calmly talking as chaos ensues around them. Yet to the insider, it is completely normal.
My family is large...
Thanks!
It's a Saturday afternoon in the Edelman household, yet it sounds more like a football game. There are at least fifteen kids of many ages running around the house, playing board games, talking, laughing or eating. To the outsider it must seem strange- there are also four adults sitting in the living room, calmly talking as chaos ensues around them. Yet to the insider, it is completely normal.
My family is large to begin with, for I am the eldest of five children. What sets my family apart though is the fact that it it has been extended to so many others in our community. My siblings and I, all bring home at least two friends after synagogue on Saturday, and often times kids would come on their own accord. My parents don't set the table until everyone has arrived; they never quite know how many people will be eating. Once everyone is present we all help to set up for lunch. Lunch is a spirited affair, often times it is necessary to yell in order to be heard above the incessant chatter and loud laughter, but it is all part of the experience.
This break from the monotony of the work week is a valued Jewish practice. The observance of the Shabbat allows us to maintain a balance between the secular and religious, the professional and the personal. This ability to balance, is a quality that both my parents exhibit. My father works long hours as the Chief Investment Officer of his firm, he wakes up every morning at four, and comes home at six in the evening to his family. My mother not only juggles driving five kids to different activities every day, but is also the president of the board of directors at the elementary and middle school my siblings attend. Then, after a long week of work, they welcome into our home at least fifteen kids, ten of whom are not their own, and provide them with lunch, snacks, games, and more. They do all of this without complaint, and have succeeded in raising five children who are all healthy and happy.
This sense of balance, the ability to take seemingly opposite forces- secular and religious, professional and personal- and mesh them together into a cohesive unit is something that I will continue to work hard to achieve. I have many goals for my secular life, I want to receive a stellar college education, work hard and go to graduate school, and succeed there and enter into the professional world, doing something I enjoy, something that challenges me, something rewarding. But I need to remember to keep the rest of my life balanced as well. I want to raise a healthy, happy family. One day, I hope my house will be as loud and as full as my parent's house is on a Saturday afternoon. (good ending! It's a perfect last line.)
Overall your essay was well written, your diction was consistent and it "flowed" well.
Thanks again for reading my essay, I think I might just change my writing to a third person perspective just so that it seems more like its being read from a book! Thanks again and good luck! :)