Hey! This is one of the essays that UoM had on their supplements. Please help me grade because I don't know if I answered the prompt! D:
PROMPT:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
Although I never like to define myself by my income or race, my religious affiliations have always been a large part of who I am. Spending a majority of my life at church, it has always been a second home and family to which I belong to. My brothers and sisters in Christ have always guided me in my spiritual walk and provided me with a support network. Similarly, I would ask for others if they needed prayers. Going to church every week is culturally mandated. Meeting every Friday and Sunday, we would always preach, learn, and teach each other about the Bible. After sermons, we would play basketball or help prepare and organize snacks for the next week's meeting. It is always comforting to know that whenever I walk into church, there is always someone there to gladly accept me for who I was and to care about my well being.
Bravo! The passage was nicely done. As regards the prompt, "describe that community and your place within it", I think you've only focused on the first part, and I could not see your place within the community. Pick some particular involvement with the church and elaborate on how you have contributed to the community. The interaction between individuals and the society is reciprocal. It is both give and take. And it's only my opinion, but probably you should reduce the frequency of the word "we" to highlight YOUR position within the community.
Good luck with the college application process!
