Request to review personal profile for admission in UBC

Question :- Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that taught you something about yourself and/or the world around you.(Word limit- Maximum 200 words)

my first Mock United Nations assembly

My Response:- I was in grade 10 when I participated in my first Mock United Nations assembly. I was selected as one of the youngest representatives from my school as I had developed good communication skills. I was a good public speaker and had recently secured first rank in inter school debate competition. I had come prepared with a lot of facts and figures and was well versed with all current happenings about the topic which was given to me, that is "Human Rights Violation in Sri Lanka". Our first session started and I grabbed opportunities to present my facts and challenge other delegates on their stand. What went wrong was not the speech or confidence but the diplomacy. I had neglected who my real time allies were and whom to defend. It taught me that when to speak and what to speak was more important than how to speak. My ardent desire to learn and improve did pay off in the next Mock United Nations Assembly where I was the delegate of United Kingdom and the topic was "Cybersecurity and Cybercrime". I was appreciated by my mentor and even the chairperson for my performance. I had finally learned the art of diplomacy.(Actual word count-201 words)

The story seems just fine to me (a little weak on the imagery side) but the major problem I see in this is that the pay off isn't as rewarding. It seems all that you learnt from the first MUN did was help you win your second one. If you can convey how diplomacy changed the way to look at the world around you or communicate with others or helped you develop a new perspective towards life, maybe then this could become a much stronger essay than it already is.

Glad to help you out. I suggest you consider replacing 'nastiest lines' with 'the most disagreeable statements in an indisputable fashion'.
Also do give me my amherst essay a read.
Thanks !

" I had finally learnt the art of diplomacy" becomes "This newly acquired art helped me emerge out as one who can judge a person by his choice of words, predict his actions by his mere expressions and deliver the nastiest lines in the nicest way."

I will manage the word limit. Thanks for your prompt response.

@kartikt
Your Amherst essay is fabulous and I can find no further improvements other than that stated by holts.

Hetav, for this essay, you just need to rearrange some of your presentation in order to make your response better suited to the prompt. Your opening sentence should indicate that as a participant of the MUN in grade 10, your participation taught you the importance of diplomacy ( What you learned about the world around you). Due to your being negligent when you presented your facts (what it taught you about yourself), you failed to analyze who your allies were and who needed to be defended. Hence when you lost, you learned that it was not only what one said that was important but how it was said and when as well (what you learned about the world around you).

You can use the manner of discussion and information presentation I used above as the template for your response. It should help you create a more fluid discussion with all of the relevant questions responded to at the most appropriate times in your response presentation. Like I said, you have all of the facts covered in terms of response. It is just the presentation that needs to be cleaned up to make it more impressive to read. This essay is all about lessons learned and that, is something very evident in your presentation. Your format was just a bit cluttered so it made the essay seem weak when it actually isn't.